A few things

it's been about a week since my last post, mostly because I didnt have anything nice to say, and didnt want to spread my foulness around cyberspace.

I'm feeling much more back to my old self this week mostly due to the absolutely kick-ass weekend i had here on the island. 2 days of beach volleyball, camping, swimming and drinking in the sun with good friends. it rcoked, and I feel refreshed.

I also realised that I havent really been writing too much about actual life in Jeju and Korea but instead just about life in general. I guess after having been here for so long you forget about and take for granted all the day to day things that make living in Korea so unique.
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here are a few "unique" things I've seen in the past week or so:

A golf buggy driving down the main highway

Vegetable Donuts for school lunch

A man trying to windsurf with a foam board and pink umbrella

Open paper cups, brimming full of childrens urine lining the hallway bookcases for
"health"checks.

My fellow co teachers warning me about Fan Death (a korean myth that says if you sleep in an enclosed room with a fan on, you will suffocate)

A mom encouraging her naked son to pee on the floor of the public bathrooms in front of the sinks, with the toilets 2 feet behind them.

The abundance of cartoon animation involving steamy piles of poo

The wonderful use of the Koreanised English language or "Konglish"or Engrish

And so much more....

"Can you choice sauce and your chef will be cook your menu." Check out out lots more at engrish.com

cups of pee. ew

giant inflatable poo on a stick

So, now that I'm back on track, and finally tying up some loose ends, that needed tying up for quite some time, I should be able to focus more positive things in life.... like giant poo on a stick, and cups of urine.

Finding my way back to me

A friend of mine sent me some pictures today of WAY back in the day, that made me smile for the first time in days. the first one is circa 1994(?) me and my first "love", and our childhood friend. the second one is my 1st year of university- 1997. They made me think of the song by Ingrid Michealson, Be Ok, which is what I want to be again. I want those semi innocent highschool days back. and for everything to be ok....

Be OK by Ingrid Michealson

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Today is a 6.

I usually rate my days with with any kind of anxiety on a scale from 1-10. 1 being a pretty good day, 10 is breathing into a paper bag. Today is a 6.

I've had pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks since I was about 17.

It came on at the end of my second year of high school after my parents separated. I started having these feelings of overwhelming guilt every time started dating someone, and then realised they weren't right for me. the guilt lead to anxiety, the anxiety lead to full on panic attacks.

But being 17, I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was nuts. So i usually kept things to myself.

I dealt with it pretty good, until I was about 25. Then the attacks got so bad, I couldn't hide it anymore. i thought I was going insane.
everyday, EVERYDAY was a 10.

I was dating this super nice guy, who treated me so well. But I just knew that it wouldn't last after the first couple of months.
I'm a doer. a traveller. independent and self reliant. But for some reason, I attract guys who have the exact opposite traits. Guys who want to settle down, where their roots are, and want me to stop being "so damn independent all the time" was how it was put to me by one ex.

And me, wanting to make things work, I tried. I tried to settle. I tried to make roots. and I tried to put aside my own needs to make these relationships work, thinking I was being selfish for wanting to travel and have adventures, and do things differently, or my way. I guess I just wasn't ready to settle down! maybe I'm still not...

So that summer, I finally caved and started seeing a therapist. I started to take meds to calm me down, and for the first time in years, I felt normal. I felt so much relief that I cried for 2 days straight.

I realised that I was trying so hard to make these relationships work so I wouldn't be like my parents. all these years, I was trying to find and fit into what I imagined a perfect relationship to be.
I was in love with the idea of being in love. So much, that I overlooked all the signs that told me I wasn't really happy.

Now, 4 years later I'm mostly OK with my anxiety and who I am in relationships. I see the signs that tell me I'm not happy, and usually listen to them and do something about it. Maybe I still have some fears of being tied down, but I recognize that and do the best I can with it.

My current relationship of over one year is now in the midst of it's end. I am sad. I am relieved. I am hurt. I am confused.
I. am. exhausted.

I waited patiently for 5 months for my sick dog Peanut to finally let go.
and around the same time, I also waited patiently for the boy to get his act together, stop being so insecure, and to stop pressuring me about getting married. I waited because I know everyone has down times, but you also start to figure out when things are a phase and when things will never change.
Both things have come to an end. And I feel all the sadness and pain and relief that comes with saying good-bye to things you knew were coming to an end long before they ended.

So, today isn't a 10, and that's something.
Today is a 6. and that's not so bad considering where I've come from.

Grrrrr

i've been in a pretty foul mood all this week and cant find any nice words to put into a blog mainly because the object of my frustration likes to check out my blog every once in a while, so cant rant about that on here. I'll just say that it will be bloody nice to get away from this bloody country for a while, and come back refreshed after I can bash it for while at home and not be called a "Korea Hater" for doing it here. I'm not one of those asses that is ignornat and closed minded and thinks the way things are done here is "backwards" but right now, I would like to smack several people with my fleckin shoe.

Going home to play with the dog, then having Thai and Wine at friends house.
Tomorrow is saturday, which means brunch and beach.
I can get through this.
only 84 days left till my plane leaves the runway.

Only for the Sun

I took these pictures of sunflowers outside my school.

I love the Korean word for Sunflower- Hae Ba Ra Gi (해바라기) which literally means 'I only exists/grow for the Sun'.

It's like a little child looking up to their older loved one adoringly, waiting for them to notice, saying "I exist only for you"

Bad Coffee Day

Today was a bad coffee day. I have good coffee days, and I have bad coffee days. this was most definetly a bad one.

In recent years I have started educating myself on good quality coffees. I'm no expert, by any means, but I know what I like. This is far from my university days when giant tubs of Maxwell House or Walmart brands, or whatever was on sale was acceptable. I have grown. I've also switched from an automatic coffee maker to a French Press. I think it tastes better.

I really enjoy dark french roast beans, or Verona espresso roast style. Kona Coffee is a favorite of mine as is Vietnamese drip coffee.

I do know that there are 2 main kinds of coffee: Arabica and Robusta. I've never tasted the Robusta but have read it is more acidic, bitter and higher in caffine. So, I'll stick to the Arabica.

i found great site about coffees, that you should check out if you want to know more.

Ok- so back to the bad coffee day. First off, I was off sick yesterday, so my french press sat unclened for 2 days. eww. So when I came in this morning, there was a cockroach in the fleckin coffee pot. I danced in circles screaming until my other co-teacher came running to see if i was dying. I dont like bugs. especially when they hang out any where near my belongings.

My Co "dipsosed" of the coffee cockroach for me, while I contemplated throwing away my $50 coffee press. sigh. I didnt. I needed my coffee too much. It's morning! and I have 4 classes.
I NEED my coffee.

I scrubbed the crap out it with bleach, window cleaner and soap, anything I could get my hands on. I was in a mad rage to rid my day of the roach. I then boiled hot water and poured it all over the press. Done. still majorly creeped out though. But it doesnt end there.

I''ve been drinking Neo Khan French roast lately. yum. I keep stashes of various coffees at school for wahtever mood I'm in. My mom sends me coffee from home- anyone from Canada will know Tim Hortons coffee. It is light roast, mass produced with a bad aftertaste. i used to like it. it is now my "back-up" coffee. Today I was out of the French Roast.... Tim Hortons it is. sigh.

And.....It tasted like soap. are you surprised? because I sure wasn't.

A nice hot, fresh cup of Poo coffee, that tastes like soap made in a cockroach infested pot. Which I spilled all over my hands. nice.

Bad coffee day.

Tomorrow will be a good coffee day. I can tell.

Good.

I was checkin out Optimistic Pessimist's(formerly known as Marathoner81) blog the other day and liked that she had posted pictures from an old vacation.

I love looking at vacation pictures. I should've addded it to the Things That Make me Happy post. So I went looking through some of mine and remembering the awsome travels I've done in the past 10 years. Some alone, some with friends.
these are some of my faves.

random order: Hawaii, Phillipines, Taiwan,Vietnam, Russia, China.