LOve.

Dress (clipped to polyvore.com)

This is what I will marry Eric in. or something like it. In the desert.

North of '60

So, as previously mentioned, I have relocated to Yellowknife. A town about 400km south of the Arctic circle, pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It is mostly surrounded by lakes, frozen tundra, and diamond mines. But for all intents and purposes, it is still a city where people live.

I lived here for a short time in 2005, from January to July. Long enough to experience the harsh dark winter, and to still catch a glimpse of the never setting sun of the summers here. I left that time to return to Korea, with a very sour taste in my mouth for Yellowknife. needless to say, I was reluctant to return to the North again.

But seeing how I was once again unemployed after my term with Parks Canada, I decided to come stay with my sister and her husband and look for work. It worked out well, as I fell back on my jewelry background and started working as a designer in a retail shop, and then teaching jewellery courses through the local craft guild, and then also as a substitute teacher for the public schools here in town. I feel like Im making roots. I'm finding my niche or my groove or however you want to put it.

I was recently offered my old position back with Parks Canada and I turned it down, not because I don't LOVE living in working in the national park, and having a house all to myself, with my hammock, living on the ocean.... sigh. No, I turned it down because I've decided I need to stay in one place for more than 6 months at a time in order to build any kind of momentum and connection to a place. It's painful at times, rebuilding a life.

but I guess like anything, you just require patience and have faith that the universe is working its magic in its own way. right? I dont know. Im just essentially going day to day trying to adjust to a "normal life" in Canada. i have mixed feelings about it right now. Ill get back to you.

Lights

these are some of first attempts at shooting the Northern lights. On this night, it looked like a green vortex above the lake. it was quite amazing. I still need a tripod and some more practice, but I'm loving getting back into photography.

And I'm on my way to believing....

"When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing"

The Only exception- Paramore

Transitions

What happens when all this good stuff comes flooding into your life all at once? well, that means theres very little room left for the bad stuff. How do you start letting go of it all? that's kind of where I am right now. There's certain things I need to say goodbye to and walk away from, but its hard to where to start and how to go about it.
I feel like for the past year my life has just been one giant transition. Always changing, growing moving. It's been good, a challenge at times, but a much needed turn of events that has lead me to where I needed to be.
Sometimes its about taking a leap of faith, sometimes its about careful planning and strategy. Sometimes it's a bit of both and sometimes its all about in-action.
I havent decided what the best course of action yet in this situation. theres still alot of fear that im holding onto that things wont turn out.
Fear that things are going to good, so something has to go wrong. where do these ridiculous beliefs come from? Who decided that when you've reached a certain amount of good or happiness, that you have to be cut off, like a drunk at the bar? or that there has to be some kind of balance of shitiness?
Well I'm choosing to believe that things are as good as you want them to be ALL the time. I'm choosing to be happy and believe that good things are right in front of us, just sitting there waiting for us to aknowledge and choose them.

Shedding

So, a quick update: I have moved once again, and now residing in Yellowknife, NWT in northern Canada. For how long I do not know... but I'm here now.

I lived here about 5 years ago and left behind my snake, a ball python named Soba. I think I like snakes so much because they are able to shed their skins and start fresh.

With Soba in mind, I too have decided to shed my "old skin" and start fresh. I'm letting go of pre-conceptions I have about myself as well as all the extra "padding" I've gained in the past year.

I was never a "jogger". When I started about 6 months ago, I could jog one minute, walk one minute, with a learn to run program. By the end of that 20 minute session I was ready to die. I can now run for 28 minutes without stopping.

I always wondered what the lure of running was, but since I've started, I realise that its kind of like a drug; a high. I feel so clear headed and focused after I run which has opened my eyes to so many things I wasnt happy with in my life.

Since September, I've lost about 10 lbs, and about 12 inches off my body. The shedding process has started. I've also begun weening off the anti-anxiety meds that once empowered me, but now just make me feel like a victim of my own circumstances. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel like my arms are wide open, accepting gratefully everything the universe is bringing to me.

I remember how unhappy I was when I was here the first time. I feel like a different person. I feel like I've never been here before, it's a new city, with brand new opportunities, and here I am, once again, but as a new me. A lighter, more pure version of my former self.

What I recently re-learnt about myself.

Reading back one of my recent posts, on something that i had realised about myself over the summer, I realised that I had also learnt someting else, something much more positive, that is much more heartwarming than my previous post. I initially felt that i had discovered a pattern of me being cold hearted, uncaring, and basically unfit for relationships.
Today I found a journal entry that I had forgotten about, after a long and deep phone call from a close friend. this is what I re-found. It made feel much better.

"Talking to J last night helped me realize something. I thought I had grown cold hearted and essentially detached from love. I thought the reason I felt nothing after ending things in most relationships was because I had grown not to care anymore. But what is far more likely and much healthier is that I'm strong and mature enough to know what I want and don't want, and I'm also confident enough in my decision when ending things, that there is no doubt or guilt anymore. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be with the people I was in relationships with, always running. But I'm NOT running. I'm walking away.
walking away, from the things i dont need and know arent going to fulfill me.
I admit I do sometimes jump into things, but then that is also potentially the fastest and best wayto find out if they are for you. Is it not? "

So this was my new epiphany, which I like much more. I'm still working out the details on the whole rushing into things, but I've recently met someone that I'm taking things very slow with. It's good. It's healthy. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. and I'm happy with that.