My favorite quote of the week:
"The strong independent part of me resisted the embarassing truth for a long time, but I finally came to accept that I'm someone who craves overwhelming, vast amounts of love. Ever since I totally surrendered to this need, it doesn't nag me all the time like it used to. In fact, it feels kind of comforting, like a source of sweetness that never goes away." -Dan Savage
this is something I'm trying to work into my life, and it makes me happy.
Sunday
Monday
Turning 30
You can act any age you want
Birthday breakfast from Erin <3>
'Twilight' themed birthday, complete with book, DVD and of course BOP teen magazine with fold-out picture of Edward.
Turning 30 this past August was pretty anti-climatic. It didn't have the depressing undertones of staying home and wallowing in the self pity of getting older, nor was it a massive, all out blitz fest. It was me and a few of my closest girlfriends, celebrating in style, drinking wine, all agreeing how refreshing it felt to be putting our twenties behind us. Not that my twenties were bad, not at all. But there is something to be said for just not caring about all those stupid little things that seemed so major just 5 years ago. I remember vividly freaking out when I was 25 about the fact that I hadn't achieved all the things I envisioned for myself when I was 18. HA~! Now I'm 30, and still haven't achieved most of them, A) because my path has changed so much since then and B) I just don't care. I'll get there when I'm ready.
My Ladies and I @ W8
So I came up with a list (I love lists) of all the great things about turning 30. Feel free to add any that you think of.
1.Confidence- I've never felt as good about being me nor as confidnet in who I am as I do now.
2. Respect. I always remember thinking that my older girlfriends who were in their 30's just seemed to have it together. and even though I'm not even close to having it togther, I sure can act like I do.
3. Experience. been there, done that, got the tshirt.
4. The ability to not care.
5. Taste- you know what you like, and are willing to spend a little extra time, effort or money to get it.
6. Not feeling like you are "30" . I'm not old. I dont feel old. I feel 24.
7.Being 30 is not evil. its cool. or "30 is the new 20"
8. Wrinkles and grays add character
9. Maturity, HA.
10. Not feeling like you have to have an excuse for not going out every weekend.
11. Cougarism. younger guys dig older babes.
12. The ego boosting feeling that comes with turning down said 'younger guys' because you know better
13. Owning things that you bought for yourself and that weren't given to you as hand-me-downs.
14. Knowing your limits and boundaries.
15. Being able to forgive yourself.
16. Simplifying. I've thrown out so much crap this past year, that I had been clinging to for ages. it just wasnt important to me anymore, and I was able to let it go.
17. Being able to give up in the middle of a list without any good reason.
...(maybe I'll think of some more things later, I have some more stuff to throw away)
Canada so far...
So, I've been back in Canada for about a month and half now. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be, leaving Jeju. I thought I would have that "bittersweet goodbye" type feeling, but it was mostly just anticipation to get home and start a new chapter of my life.
It's been a while since I was able to throw together and cohesive thoughts. I spent alot of time thinking about things I would write about once I got home, but I could never seem to find what it was that I wanted say.
Every time I come home, I expect it to be just that: home. But of course, I always go through some kind of reverse culture shock that seems to catch me off guard, and gets worst every time. It's an odd feeling to feel like a newcomer in your own country. To feel like you are absolutely supposed to know what you are doing all the time because you are Canadian, but then never really knowing if what you are doing is "right".
I thought that being able to write something about coming home would come naturally for me, but my brain wouldn't come up anything. But, after some conversations with friends about newcomers coming to Canada, something finally clicked: I am a newcomer (in a sense) and writing about going to a new country has never put me off. My brain seemed to be OK with accepting that I was a visitor learning all the lingo and quirks of a new place for some reason, so I'm just going with it. I'm newly landed resident of Canada, for the second time.
A "born-again Canadian" if you will.
Now... if I could just bowing to everyone I encounter....
It's been a while since I was able to throw together and cohesive thoughts. I spent alot of time thinking about things I would write about once I got home, but I could never seem to find what it was that I wanted say.
Every time I come home, I expect it to be just that: home. But of course, I always go through some kind of reverse culture shock that seems to catch me off guard, and gets worst every time. It's an odd feeling to feel like a newcomer in your own country. To feel like you are absolutely supposed to know what you are doing all the time because you are Canadian, but then never really knowing if what you are doing is "right".
I thought that being able to write something about coming home would come naturally for me, but my brain wouldn't come up anything. But, after some conversations with friends about newcomers coming to Canada, something finally clicked: I am a newcomer (in a sense) and writing about going to a new country has never put me off. My brain seemed to be OK with accepting that I was a visitor learning all the lingo and quirks of a new place for some reason, so I'm just going with it. I'm newly landed resident of Canada, for the second time.
A "born-again Canadian" if you will.
Now... if I could just bowing to everyone I encounter....
Yet Unwritten....
I with have a summers worth of writing in my journal that I carry everyday. I have stories and pictures and contemplations all on paper, but not on my blog. I guess the important thing is that most of these things are out of my head, not taking up space, making room for new things to whirl around in there.
I'm leaving Jeju in 18 days. I'm happy and nervous. I'm excited and terrified. I'm finished teaching for the summer, except for 2 more days of summer camp which doesn't count as teaching.
what's happened in the past month, in summary? My hairdresser bleached my eyebrows when i got my hair lightened. Is that normal?
I've been where there is sand and water every possible chance i get.
My newest obsession is now Twilight, the movie and the books- which makes me feel all giddy like a high school girl.
(*whispering*: I even downloaded the soundtrack onto my Ipod. tee hee hee)
My dogs fur has grown out so he doesn't look like a chiuaua anymore, but has been given 2 new nicknames: The Gremlin, and my favorite; Mr. Miyagi (thanks to sister Jenn) We decided that if he had a human voice it would absolutely be that of a small Japanese man. (Peanut, my last dog, would have spoken like Sophia from "The Golden Girls")
what else? i saw a small Korean boy wearing a T-shirt that said "Who's on Top?" a few days ago, that made laugh alot.
... and I'm headin back up to my lovely city Seoul, to celebrate my big Three-Oh, like a pop princess. (well, what I would do if I were a pop princess)
hmm... that's all i can think of for now.... but i have loads more stuff stored away, that I WILL post. I will. I swear. I'm gonna. I even have pictures,... and lists. lots and lots of lists.
I'm leaving Jeju in 18 days. I'm happy and nervous. I'm excited and terrified. I'm finished teaching for the summer, except for 2 more days of summer camp which doesn't count as teaching.
what's happened in the past month, in summary? My hairdresser bleached my eyebrows when i got my hair lightened. Is that normal?
I've been where there is sand and water every possible chance i get.
My newest obsession is now Twilight, the movie and the books- which makes me feel all giddy like a high school girl.
(*whispering*: I even downloaded the soundtrack onto my Ipod. tee hee hee)
I've either thrown away, sold or packed up 80% of my apartment, which makes it look so CLEAN, and also makes me wonder: why hell did I need all that stuff?? who needs 6 red purses? six. seriously.
what else? i saw a small Korean boy wearing a T-shirt that said "Who's on Top?" a few days ago, that made laugh alot.
... and I'm headin back up to my lovely city Seoul, to celebrate my big Three-Oh, like a pop princess. (well, what I would do if I were a pop princess)
hmm... that's all i can think of for now.... but i have loads more stuff stored away, that I WILL post. I will. I swear. I'm gonna. I even have pictures,... and lists. lots and lots of lists.
Lazy summer
Oh god, its been way to hot to do anything other than lie on the beach or lie in an air conditioned room. (both usually involving drinking)
I have 6 days of teaching left before the public schools here are let out for summer vacation and I've pretty much given up. this week we are doing tests, and watching 'Night at The Museum 2'. Yes, I am that lazy this week.
People always ask me what the weather is like over here in Korea- and right now, mid July, it is comparable to the 7th ring of hell. Unless you really love getting out of the shower in the morning and staying soaking wet all day because of the sweaty, sticky humidity- then in that case, it would be perfect for you.
It's 32C today which is about 90-95F, but that's without the humidex. someone said something about it being 55C with the humidity, but i'm not sure about that... either way- it's fleckin HOT.
This is considered rainy Season until the middle of August. and when i say rain, I mean torrential down pours; monsoon. Crazy, windy sideways rain that laughs at your umbrealla and launches it the gutter. lovely.
And if it not raining, it is sweltering, sticky hot. the kind of hot that makes you feel like your brain melted out your ears. again, lovely. I was actually dripping on my desk this morning while grading papers. Super.
May and especially June are awsome. and even the very beginning of July. But the rest of the summer is sometimes just plain unbearable.
It doesnt start to cool down until about the end of September, but the humidity has gone down alot by then at least. I'm just focusing on arriving at sisters house in Canada and jumping into the pool in her backyard, and lying around on the floaty bed. aaahhh.
I have 6 days of teaching left before the public schools here are let out for summer vacation and I've pretty much given up. this week we are doing tests, and watching 'Night at The Museum 2'. Yes, I am that lazy this week.
People always ask me what the weather is like over here in Korea- and right now, mid July, it is comparable to the 7th ring of hell. Unless you really love getting out of the shower in the morning and staying soaking wet all day because of the sweaty, sticky humidity- then in that case, it would be perfect for you.
It's 32C today which is about 90-95F, but that's without the humidex. someone said something about it being 55C with the humidity, but i'm not sure about that... either way- it's fleckin HOT.
This is considered rainy Season until the middle of August. and when i say rain, I mean torrential down pours; monsoon. Crazy, windy sideways rain that laughs at your umbrealla and launches it the gutter. lovely.
And if it not raining, it is sweltering, sticky hot. the kind of hot that makes you feel like your brain melted out your ears. again, lovely. I was actually dripping on my desk this morning while grading papers. Super.
May and especially June are awsome. and even the very beginning of July. But the rest of the summer is sometimes just plain unbearable.
It doesnt start to cool down until about the end of September, but the humidity has gone down alot by then at least. I'm just focusing on arriving at sisters house in Canada and jumping into the pool in her backyard, and lying around on the floaty bed. aaahhh.
Do hot dogs usually melt?
For Nathan, 1975-2009
Nathan Furey was a fellow ESL Expat living here on Jeju, with his wife and 2 children. This past March he passed away suddenly from encephalitis. This Video was made by some friends who knew him well and wanted to let us all remember Nathan.
The Furey Foundation, started by Nathans parents, has been set up by several foreigners living here in Jeju to raise money for the Education of his 2 sons Noah and Juno.
Wednesday
A word about Korean coffee
It was May of 2003, my first day of teaching in Korea. I was nervous and a little scared of standing on front of a room full of children who didnt undertand 80% of what i was talking about. I was thinking about making a run for it when i hear the question that makes me so very happy: "would you like some coffee?" GOD yes! it had been about 48 hours since i left Canada, and that was exactly what i needed: a nice cup of coffee. As i waited in anticipation, I wondered if Korean coffee would be better than coffee from home. Since I was still on a high of being in anew place, I thought "of course, it's going to be great."
"here you are" I spin around expecting a big mug of black yummy goodness.
instead, there is a small papercup,( like the ones the my students peed in for health checks- see earlier blog) with about an ounce of milky, sugary instant mix.
my heart sinks.
but I put a smile on my face and say thank you.
it was exactly how I expected it to be: like someone melted down a bunch of coffee flavored candies into a cup and added hot water.
I felt a small surge of panic.
I had just signed a year of my life to teaching in Korea. How was I going to function for a FULL YEAR on this stuff??
this one event sent me in search of coffee grinds, espresso's and chai tea all over the country. Fresh coffee used to be extremely hard to find in Korea. and it was expensive. which lead to me begging for care-packages stuffed with freshly ground beans from anyone who would send it.
It kind of became like an addiction- not the coffee drinking itself- I already know that i have a small problem- but the searching of the coffee. it was so rare to find, that I would stock up on it, like world war 3 was coming. it didnt matter how much I already had at home, I bought it up like a crackhead. a crazy, coffee feining crackhead.
Its very smilar with English books: they are expensive and rare, and so I find myslef buying books, when I'm already in the middle of reading 5 or 6.
After years of being around the coffee mix, I found a mild tolerance level of it. I dont like it, but I will swallow it down like bad medicine if I have to.
My Korean friends were shocked to learn that we dont have the "stick mix" in Canada, since its so convenient. I then have to explain that North Americans usually enjoy their morning coffee as a "wake up call" rather than dessert style in Korea. They then informed me that they had heard of other Koreans who brought their "sticks" with them while traveling overseas. They laugh when i tell them i got my coffee sent from home. we share a love for 2 coffees that are utterly and completely unalike.
I find it funny that cultures can be crossed and understood through something as small as how someone likes thier coffee :) coffee drinkers unite!
some pictures of the sticks: a "mix" sized cup next to an ordinary cup, 2 sticks and a pencil, and the mix unleashed into said small cup.
Tuesday
Open Mic
Here are some pics of the Open night we had this past saturday, and as I mentioned, it was my first time getting up and singing. It was so much fun!
at the end of the night, there was even a marriage proposal- for more details see my jewellery blog.
We usually have our Open Mics at Haebyun Concert, on the Cafe Shore Road, Jeju city. This was the best turn out we've had so far, with so many talented, amazing performers.
Me and 2 friends were the back up singers for a band put together for the occasion:Part Time Groove. We performed Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye, Son of Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield, Proud Mary by Ike and Tina, and Groove is the heart by Deelite.
Debbie goin Solo
Us singin backup
Part Time Groove
Myles's big moment
Saturday
upcoming
i have several post that i have written in the last week, but have not put up, because I am too lazy to sort out the pictures that go with some of them. most involve randomness of living in Korea. I will get to it, ...soon-ish.
I also found my new favorite blog today Cake Wrecks. it made me laugh out oud repeatedly. It is a blog dedicated to the most ridiculous cakes ever made- most by accident or sheer stupidity.
A blog of pure awsomeness.
I also found my new favorite blog today Cake Wrecks. it made me laugh out oud repeatedly. It is a blog dedicated to the most ridiculous cakes ever made- most by accident or sheer stupidity.
A blog of pure awsomeness.
Transient Love?
First of all, I had an absolutely amazing time tonight- it was my first time getting up at an Open Mic and performing in front of a large audience! it was exilerating. I want more.
At the end of the night, my friend propsed to his long time girlfriend, who also my close friend. I made the engagement ring. It was a wonderful moment. I actually jumped up and down....
although that might have been the vodka.
She told me the news this afternoon, but wasnt made official until tonight. Their engagement got me thinking about relationships while living abroad. I know they are for real because they knew each other from home.
When I say "real" I mean they know each other outside the confines of living abroad. I dont know how many relationships I've seen fizzle the moment they no longer coexist in Korea.
There have been a few success storie are but they few and far between. They usually involve a foreign man marrying a korean woman, but rarely do you see the other way around.
In the 6 years I've been here, I've dated other ESL teachers, US airforce stationed here, and Koreans. all have ended, most badly.
Others have shared similar experiences. the biggest reason seems to be the transient lifestyle of people coming to work in Korea for a limited time.
I had a friend say to me long ago "Theres no room for love in Korea, everone is on vacation."
Is this true?
pause.... just saw a cockroach run across my room. had to spray the life the out of it.
....and... done.
So. My point, or rather my pondering at 2 am, is this: can 2 people from similar backgrounds or culture meet in Korea, during their one year contract, fall in love and then make it work once their time in Korea is finished?
just wondering.
At the end of the night, my friend propsed to his long time girlfriend, who also my close friend. I made the engagement ring. It was a wonderful moment. I actually jumped up and down....
although that might have been the vodka.
She told me the news this afternoon, but wasnt made official until tonight. Their engagement got me thinking about relationships while living abroad. I know they are for real because they knew each other from home.
When I say "real" I mean they know each other outside the confines of living abroad. I dont know how many relationships I've seen fizzle the moment they no longer coexist in Korea.
There have been a few success storie are but they few and far between. They usually involve a foreign man marrying a korean woman, but rarely do you see the other way around.
In the 6 years I've been here, I've dated other ESL teachers, US airforce stationed here, and Koreans. all have ended, most badly.
Others have shared similar experiences. the biggest reason seems to be the transient lifestyle of people coming to work in Korea for a limited time.
I had a friend say to me long ago "Theres no room for love in Korea, everone is on vacation."
Is this true?
pause.... just saw a cockroach run across my room. had to spray the life the out of it.
....and... done.
So. My point, or rather my pondering at 2 am, is this: can 2 people from similar backgrounds or culture meet in Korea, during their one year contract, fall in love and then make it work once their time in Korea is finished?
just wondering.
Forgotten Posts
In Cleaning out my posts that I wrote last year, but never posted, I cam across some interesting ones I wrote last year. This one was called Still Got Seoul- was written June 20 2009.
In my effort to Blog regularly, I'm going to be posting all my old forgotten posts that were written but never made made it up.
I've returned to my beloved city of soul- Seoul, for the weekend.
I've always loved this city- it;s like an asian New York.
Having been living on a subtropical island for the past 10 months I had forgotten all the charms this city has. I only remembered the crowded subways, the shoving and the smog. the horrible horrible smog.
Itaewon by day actually doesn't look so bad...
So here I am, staying with my gals for the weekend, seeing things with fresh eyes.
like, last night, for example: I managed to spill 2 full martinis down my legs, so I'm realising I'm not as "smooth" as I'd like to think I am. fresh eyes indeed.
There are alot of things I really miss about the city. There's always something happening. Always some art show to attend, a gallery opening, a live band performing, a costume night at some club, new cafes to try out. There are 2 main "nightlife" areas that well known by the expat community: Hongdae, which is short for Hongik University, a notable art school that has engulfed the entire area around it with it's artsiness. The club scene is a younger crowd with funky little bars playing house music. It;s a pretty good mix of foreigners and koreans alike. For myself, i prefer walking through the area in the daytime, checking out all the little boutiques with handmade items. but people watching at night is always fun too.
Roadside Alcohol to-go! in a ziplock baggie no less!
...and then there is Itaewon. Itaewon is known as the "foreigners district", and has been for some time. There is a US military base down the road, so the locals took advantage and started selling Big Size items, among other things, at a jacked up price to the military in the area.
It soon became infested with prostitution, and sleazy bars, not to say that prostitution wasnt prevalent in Korea before that, but I'm sure it didnt help matters.
In recent months, I have noticed, and heard that the Seoul officials were really trying to "clean up" the Itaewon area, and on the surface it does look a little swankier, but in actuality, the clean up was just "sweep it under the rug" type deal.
all the same, there are some great bars, lounges, and restaurants, and is really just a great party area, if thats what you're looking for.
There are other areas in Seoul to check out, and I would highly recommend it. Apgujung, and Shinsa are really trendy areas, with fantastic nightlife, but is a little more of an elite crowd, with higher prices on everything.
Thursday
I live for days like these
It's now officially summer in Jeju, although I've been pretty much living in my bikini for over a month now. Days in the sun, drinking my coffee early morning on the beach, laughing with friends, makes every negative thing in life worthwhile. I dont think I need to explain the pictures- sometimes saying nothing is better
*
Tuesday
A few things
it's been about a week since my last post, mostly because I didnt have anything nice to say, and didnt want to spread my foulness around cyberspace.
I'm feeling much more back to my old self this week mostly due to the absolutely kick-ass weekend i had here on the island. 2 days of beach volleyball, camping, swimming and drinking in the sun with good friends. it rcoked, and I feel refreshed.
I also realised that I havent really been writing too much about actual life in Jeju and Korea but instead just about life in general. I guess after having been here for so long you forget about and take for granted all the day to day things that make living in Korea so unique.
**
I'm feeling much more back to my old self this week mostly due to the absolutely kick-ass weekend i had here on the island. 2 days of beach volleyball, camping, swimming and drinking in the sun with good friends. it rcoked, and I feel refreshed.
I also realised that I havent really been writing too much about actual life in Jeju and Korea but instead just about life in general. I guess after having been here for so long you forget about and take for granted all the day to day things that make living in Korea so unique.
**
here are a few "unique" things I've seen in the past week or so:
A golf buggy driving down the main highway
Vegetable Donuts for school lunch
A man trying to windsurf with a foam board and pink umbrella
Open paper cups, brimming full of childrens urine lining the hallway bookcases for
"health"checks.
My fellow co teachers warning me about Fan Death (a korean myth that says if you sleep in an enclosed room with a fan on, you will suffocate)
A mom encouraging her naked son to pee on the floor of the public bathrooms in front of the sinks, with the toilets 2 feet behind them.
The abundance of cartoon animation involving steamy piles of poo
The wonderful use of the Koreanised English language or "Konglish"or Engrish
And so much more....
cups of pee. ew
giant inflatable poo on a stickSo, now that I'm back on track, and finally tying up some loose ends, that needed tying up for quite some time, I should be able to focus more positive things in life.... like giant poo on a stick, and cups of urine.
Wednesday
Finding my way back to me
A friend of mine sent me some pictures today of WAY back in the day, that made me smile for the first time in days. the first one is circa 1994(?) me and my first "love", and our childhood friend. the second one is my 1st year of university- 1997. They made me think of the song by Ingrid Michealson, Be Ok, which is what I want to be again. I want those semi innocent highschool days back. and for everything to be ok....
Be OK by Ingrid Michealson
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Saturday
Today is a 6.
I usually rate my days with with any kind of anxiety on a scale from 1-10. 1 being a pretty good day, 10 is breathing into a paper bag. Today is a 6.
I've had pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks since I was about 17.
It came on at the end of my second year of high school after my parents separated. I started having these feelings of overwhelming guilt every time started dating someone, and then realised they weren't right for me. the guilt lead to anxiety, the anxiety lead to full on panic attacks.
But being 17, I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was nuts. So i usually kept things to myself.
I dealt with it pretty good, until I was about 25. Then the attacks got so bad, I couldn't hide it anymore. i thought I was going insane.
everyday, EVERYDAY was a 10.
I was dating this super nice guy, who treated me so well. But I just knew that it wouldn't last after the first couple of months.
I'm a doer. a traveller. independent and self reliant. But for some reason, I attract guys who have the exact opposite traits. Guys who want to settle down, where their roots are, and want me to stop being "so damn independent all the time" was how it was put to me by one ex.
And me, wanting to make things work, I tried. I tried to settle. I tried to make roots. and I tried to put aside my own needs to make these relationships work, thinking I was being selfish for wanting to travel and have adventures, and do things differently, or my way. I guess I just wasn't ready to settle down! maybe I'm still not...
So that summer, I finally caved and started seeing a therapist. I started to take meds to calm me down, and for the first time in years, I felt normal. I felt so much relief that I cried for 2 days straight.
I realised that I was trying so hard to make these relationships work so I wouldn't be like my parents. all these years, I was trying to find and fit into what I imagined a perfect relationship to be.
I was in love with the idea of being in love. So much, that I overlooked all the signs that told me I wasn't really happy.
Now, 4 years later I'm mostly OK with my anxiety and who I am in relationships. I see the signs that tell me I'm not happy, and usually listen to them and do something about it. Maybe I still have some fears of being tied down, but I recognize that and do the best I can with it.
My current relationship of over one year is now in the midst of it's end. I am sad. I am relieved. I am hurt. I am confused.
I. am. exhausted.
I waited patiently for 5 months for my sick dog Peanut to finally let go.
and around the same time, I also waited patiently for the boy to get his act together, stop being so insecure, and to stop pressuring me about getting married. I waited because I know everyone has down times, but you also start to figure out when things are a phase and when things will never change.
Both things have come to an end. And I feel all the sadness and pain and relief that comes with saying good-bye to things you knew were coming to an end long before they ended.
So, today isn't a 10, and that's something.
Today is a 6. and that's not so bad considering where I've come from.
I've had pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks since I was about 17.
It came on at the end of my second year of high school after my parents separated. I started having these feelings of overwhelming guilt every time started dating someone, and then realised they weren't right for me. the guilt lead to anxiety, the anxiety lead to full on panic attacks.
But being 17, I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was nuts. So i usually kept things to myself.
I dealt with it pretty good, until I was about 25. Then the attacks got so bad, I couldn't hide it anymore. i thought I was going insane.
everyday, EVERYDAY was a 10.
I was dating this super nice guy, who treated me so well. But I just knew that it wouldn't last after the first couple of months.
I'm a doer. a traveller. independent and self reliant. But for some reason, I attract guys who have the exact opposite traits. Guys who want to settle down, where their roots are, and want me to stop being "so damn independent all the time" was how it was put to me by one ex.
And me, wanting to make things work, I tried. I tried to settle. I tried to make roots. and I tried to put aside my own needs to make these relationships work, thinking I was being selfish for wanting to travel and have adventures, and do things differently, or my way. I guess I just wasn't ready to settle down! maybe I'm still not...
So that summer, I finally caved and started seeing a therapist. I started to take meds to calm me down, and for the first time in years, I felt normal. I felt so much relief that I cried for 2 days straight.
I realised that I was trying so hard to make these relationships work so I wouldn't be like my parents. all these years, I was trying to find and fit into what I imagined a perfect relationship to be.
I was in love with the idea of being in love. So much, that I overlooked all the signs that told me I wasn't really happy.
Now, 4 years later I'm mostly OK with my anxiety and who I am in relationships. I see the signs that tell me I'm not happy, and usually listen to them and do something about it. Maybe I still have some fears of being tied down, but I recognize that and do the best I can with it.
My current relationship of over one year is now in the midst of it's end. I am sad. I am relieved. I am hurt. I am confused.
I. am. exhausted.
I waited patiently for 5 months for my sick dog Peanut to finally let go.
and around the same time, I also waited patiently for the boy to get his act together, stop being so insecure, and to stop pressuring me about getting married. I waited because I know everyone has down times, but you also start to figure out when things are a phase and when things will never change.
Both things have come to an end. And I feel all the sadness and pain and relief that comes with saying good-bye to things you knew were coming to an end long before they ended.
So, today isn't a 10, and that's something.
Today is a 6. and that's not so bad considering where I've come from.
Friday
Grrrrr
i've been in a pretty foul mood all this week and cant find any nice words to put into a blog mainly because the object of my frustration likes to check out my blog every once in a while, so cant rant about that on here. I'll just say that it will be bloody nice to get away from this bloody country for a while, and come back refreshed after I can bash it for while at home and not be called a "Korea Hater" for doing it here. I'm not one of those asses that is ignornat and closed minded and thinks the way things are done here is "backwards" but right now, I would like to smack several people with my fleckin shoe.
Going home to play with the dog, then having Thai and Wine at friends house.
Tomorrow is saturday, which means brunch and beach.
I can get through this.
only 84 days left till my plane leaves the runway.
Going home to play with the dog, then having Thai and Wine at friends house.
Tomorrow is saturday, which means brunch and beach.
I can get through this.
only 84 days left till my plane leaves the runway.
Tuesday
Only for the Sun
I took these pictures of sunflowers outside my school.
I love the Korean word for Sunflower- Hae Ba Ra Gi (해바라기) which literally means 'I only exists/grow for the Sun'.
It's like a little child looking up to their older loved one adoringly, waiting for them to notice, saying "I exist only for you"
Bad Coffee Day
Today was a bad coffee day. I have good coffee days, and I have bad coffee days. this was most definetly a bad one.
In recent years I have started educating myself on good quality coffees. I'm no expert, by any means, but I know what I like. This is far from my university days when giant tubs of Maxwell House or Walmart brands, or whatever was on sale was acceptable. I have grown. I've also switched from an automatic coffee maker to a French Press. I think it tastes better.I really enjoy dark french roast beans, or Verona espresso roast style. Kona Coffee is a favorite of mine as is Vietnamese drip coffee.
I do know that there are 2 main kinds of coffee: Arabica and Robusta. I've never tasted the Robusta but have read it is more acidic, bitter and higher in caffine. So, I'll stick to the Arabica.
i found great site about coffees, that you should check out if you want to know more.
Ok- so back to the bad coffee day. First off, I was off sick yesterday, so my french press sat unclened for 2 days. eww. So when I came in this morning, there was a cockroach in the fleckin coffee pot. I danced in circles screaming until my other co-teacher came running to see if i was dying. I dont like bugs. especially when they hang out any where near my belongings.
My Co "dipsosed" of the coffee cockroach for me, while I contemplated throwing away my $50 coffee press. sigh. I didnt. I needed my coffee too much. It's morning! and I have 4 classes.
I NEED my coffee.
I NEED my coffee.
I scrubbed the crap out it with bleach, window cleaner and soap, anything I could get my hands on. I was in a mad rage to rid my day of the roach. I then boiled hot water and poured it all over the press. Done. still majorly creeped out though. But it doesnt end there.
I''ve been drinking Neo Khan French roast lately. yum. I keep stashes of various coffees at school for wahtever mood I'm in. My mom sends me coffee from home- anyone from Canada will know Tim Hortons coffee. It is light roast, mass produced with a bad aftertaste. i used to like it. it is now my "back-up" coffee. Today I was out of the French Roast.... Tim Hortons it is. sigh.
And.....It tasted like soap. are you surprised? because I sure wasn't.
A nice hot, fresh cup of Poo coffee, that tastes like soap made in a cockroach infested pot. Which I spilled all over my hands. nice.
Bad coffee day.
Tomorrow will be a good coffee day. I can tell.
Good.
I was checkin out Optimistic Pessimist's(formerly known as Marathoner81) blog the other day and liked that she had posted pictures from an old vacation.
I love looking at vacation pictures. I should've addded it to the Things That Make me Happy post. So I went looking through some of mine and remembering the awsome travels I've done in the past 10 years. Some alone, some with friends.
these are some of my faves.
these are some of my faves.
random order: Hawaii, Phillipines, Taiwan,Vietnam, Russia, China.
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