Friday
Things I think will work, but usually dont.
First, let me just say, that I always have the best intentions when I think I'm improving a situation....
Thank jeebus that I have better sense not to "improve" anything at work. I would have been fired 11 times over. I save all the good stuff for my home life.
There are things I deem minor, like, not knowing how to turn the sub-woofer off, so just ripping the cords out of the back of it so it doesn't make noise anymore. This, however does not seem minor to my boyfriend, who has to spend 45 minutes trying to get the computer and TV to recognize its old friend subwoofer again.
Giving the dog a Mohawk. I saw picture online of this dog who had an awesome cute red Mohawk. I wanted this for Kuro. Even though they weren't the same kind of dog and had completely different fur, it didn't matter. It also didn't matter that I didn't have red hair dye. or clippers to shave the rest of him. What I DID have were scissors, pink acrylic paint and very impulsive personality. The result was a crusty, hot pink mohawk, with horribly uneven haircut. absolutely NOTHING like the dog in the picture.
The acrylic slowly crumbled out of his fur leaving his entire coat, minus his face and legs, a light pink. He didn't seem to mind, but I knew he felt uncomfortable when we went in public around other dogs.
Here are some pictures: I'll let you decide if they are similar:
What I was envisioning: awesome right??
What I got ^.... not so awesome.
This Morning was another fine example of my brain at it's best. Since Christmas has ended, and family has gone home and I stopped eating like a god damn pig, Ive decided that I was going to rid my body of all the toxins from the holiday, and do a cleanse. I chose the simple Lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup with water, to get the job done, and let me fit into a bikini again before our Jamaica holiday in March.
In a friendly debate with my boyfriend, I googled to find out if Cayenne and red chili powder and paprika were the same. For all intents and purposes they are; they come from different peppers, but do the same job. I won the debate!
I did NOT however, google where chipotle fit into things. In my superior, debate winning mind, I assured myself that they were probably the same. So, I liberally dumped the smokey smelling powder into my lemoney and maple syrupey drink.
I can now assure you, that Chipotle is in fact, NOT interchangeable with Cayenne. or Paprika. As I took my first big gulp, there was a burning, tingling sensation on my tongue. I had no where to spit it out, I had to down the concoction. my eyes watered, my nose watered, my face turned a hot red. My coworkers thought I was choking, as I made hissing and gagging noises. when i could breathe again, I let them know that i was not dying, they could go about their day.
So, I have spent the last 2 hours pouring little bits out and filling it back up with water to weaken it. But I think all I'm doing is agitating and igniting the sulfurous spice, making it spicier. and I just. keep. drinking it.
Why wont I just pour it out and drink regular water, you ask? Because I will not not defeated by a chili pepper.
Tuesday
Me and numbers.
Although I loathe math, ( I went to art school thinking I could avoid it forever) I decided to play a fun game with you involving numbers.
18- The number of times a day I check facebook without realising Im doing it. sad.
46:37 and counting- How long i've been on hold with Air Canada
6- The number of Sonic Youth CD's I own.
1979- the year I was born. The same year that "My Sharona" by The Knack climbed to the top of the music charts!
66- Days left until we go to JAMAICA. Wheee!
7- The number of years I lived in South Korea.
165- How many centimeters tall I am.
12- The number of tattoos I have. There were 13, but I didnt like the one on the back of my neck so I had it lasered off.
-31 -the temperature where I live. Yes that is MINUS 31 degrees celcius.
1993- the year my truck was made. She's a trooper. Her name is Beastie.
37- how many pairs of shoes I own.
26- The number of cousins I have on my Mom's side of the family. No, we're not all inbred, she just has alot of brothers and sisters who had alot of kids...
4- pounds. the weight of my yorkie.
3- The number of caffinated beverages I can consume in a day before I start to shake like a crack head
12- the length of my attention span in minutes, before I get didtracted by something else. usually something shiney.
22- The number of minutes I have left before I can leave work for the day!
18- The number of times a day I check facebook without realising Im doing it. sad.
46:37 and counting- How long i've been on hold with Air Canada
6- The number of Sonic Youth CD's I own.
1979- the year I was born. The same year that "My Sharona" by The Knack climbed to the top of the music charts!
66- Days left until we go to JAMAICA. Wheee!
7- The number of years I lived in South Korea.
165- How many centimeters tall I am.
12- The number of tattoos I have. There were 13, but I didnt like the one on the back of my neck so I had it lasered off.
-31 -the temperature where I live. Yes that is MINUS 31 degrees celcius.
1993- the year my truck was made. She's a trooper. Her name is Beastie.
37- how many pairs of shoes I own.
26- The number of cousins I have on my Mom's side of the family. No, we're not all inbred, she just has alot of brothers and sisters who had alot of kids...
4- pounds. the weight of my yorkie.
3- The number of caffinated beverages I can consume in a day before I start to shake like a crack head
12- the length of my attention span in minutes, before I get didtracted by something else. usually something shiney.
22- The number of minutes I have left before I can leave work for the day!
annoying things that annoy me
1. Pens that don't work. why doest anyone ever throw them away? why do they keep getting put back into the container of pens that do their job correctly?
2. Getting my seat belt stuck in the car door. happens. every. time.
3. Getting my coat stuck in the car door. this happens almost as much as my seat belt. Ive come to the conclusion that my car hates me or wants to eat me.
4. People that send 7 texts in about 20 seconds. Stop. you need to stop. I cant, nor will I answer you that fast.
5. Our apartment neighbors who play, Matthew Good, at about 80 decibels.... at 9am.
6. People who have yelling conversations in coffee shops. nobody wants to hear how great you are at getting " like, super drunk"
7. Slow people. I don't mean like, the mentally challenged, or head trauma victims. I mean fully functioning, employable people, who although somewhat socially inept, seem like fun, easy to talk to people. Until you actually talk to them. and then you realise you have to explain everything to them. EVERYTHING. like the most basic concepts. and you wonder to yourself how these people made it through life relatively unscathed... it's baffling.
8. Undetectable odors. My boyfriend can account for this when I say that spend the majority of my time trying to find the source of, a sometimes, phantom odor that i deem unpleasant. I was gifted a unusually keen sense of smell, which I think is helpful in, say, locating where the dog hid the fudge that he stole from the coffee table when we weren't home.
9. People who have plants and don't water them. why do you have them?
10. People who let their children run wild trough department stores and restaurants. I LOVE it when I'm about to bite into my pizza and the back of my chair is struck by a 5 year old, running at 70mph, hopped up on carbonated, caffineated beverages, while the "parent" yells out something like "Wait for your sister! she can't run that fast", as your pizza slams into your face, and kind of up your nose a bit.
11. Mystery containers in my fridge. I know I'm the one who put them there, with I'm sure was good intentions, not thinking about future Vanessa, who unsuspectingly thinks the butter container would have, well, butter in it. Not remembering the day when all the tupper-ware was dirty so she used an empty butter container to put the leftover tomato sauce in, which then got pushed to the back of the fridge, plotting and scheming against future Vanessa, waiting patiently for the day she opens the container, innocently thinking it is butter....
2. Getting my seat belt stuck in the car door. happens. every. time.
3. Getting my coat stuck in the car door. this happens almost as much as my seat belt. Ive come to the conclusion that my car hates me or wants to eat me.
4. People that send 7 texts in about 20 seconds. Stop. you need to stop. I cant, nor will I answer you that fast.
5. Our apartment neighbors who play, Matthew Good, at about 80 decibels.... at 9am.
6. People who have yelling conversations in coffee shops. nobody wants to hear how great you are at getting " like, super drunk"
7. Slow people. I don't mean like, the mentally challenged, or head trauma victims. I mean fully functioning, employable people, who although somewhat socially inept, seem like fun, easy to talk to people. Until you actually talk to them. and then you realise you have to explain everything to them. EVERYTHING. like the most basic concepts. and you wonder to yourself how these people made it through life relatively unscathed... it's baffling.
8. Undetectable odors. My boyfriend can account for this when I say that spend the majority of my time trying to find the source of, a sometimes, phantom odor that i deem unpleasant. I was gifted a unusually keen sense of smell, which I think is helpful in, say, locating where the dog hid the fudge that he stole from the coffee table when we weren't home.
9. People who have plants and don't water them. why do you have them?
10. People who let their children run wild trough department stores and restaurants. I LOVE it when I'm about to bite into my pizza and the back of my chair is struck by a 5 year old, running at 70mph, hopped up on carbonated, caffineated beverages, while the "parent" yells out something like "Wait for your sister! she can't run that fast", as your pizza slams into your face, and kind of up your nose a bit.
11. Mystery containers in my fridge. I know I'm the one who put them there, with I'm sure was good intentions, not thinking about future Vanessa, who unsuspectingly thinks the butter container would have, well, butter in it. Not remembering the day when all the tupper-ware was dirty so she used an empty butter container to put the leftover tomato sauce in, which then got pushed to the back of the fridge, plotting and scheming against future Vanessa, waiting patiently for the day she opens the container, innocently thinking it is butter....
Thursday
January 2012
I dislike new years resolutions.
I think its a way to set yourself up for failure. Everyone has such good intentions and expectations of what they will accomplish in the "new year". But what about the things you're already working on, or things that require putting NO pressure on yourself? like, "I'm going to work on a really nice tan" or "I'm going to drink an extra glass of water when I remember" or "I'm gong to read more funny things on the Internet".
What are these major life changing resolutions all about? Do you want to quit smoking? or are you just saying it so you have something to say when someone asks you "whats your new years resolution?" If you don't want to quit smoking, then don't say you will, and then make up a thousand excuses for why you're still smoking in March. Do you want to genuinely feel good about yourself and learn to eat right and take care of your body? or do you want to just lose 20lbs so you can wear a bikini for spring break?
I think being specific about what you want, and then working on a plan to get there slowly would be more ideal then just setting these ridiculously far fetched goals for ourselves.
I've been seeing a counsellor for my anxiety for months. Today we talked about expectations that we have of ourselves; the way we would like others to see us.
I realise that I have quite high expectations of myself. I don't focus on the 50 wonderful little things that I accomplish in a week, but the one small bad thing, that I will cling to and let ruin everything else. I don't focus on all the places I've been, or the experiences that I've had that, I focus on why I'm not ahead, or where I thought I would be and what I should be doing.
New years resolutions feels like the universe is waiting for me to declare how positive I'm going to be this year, or how I'm going to lose the 20lbs I gained over the past year or that I will stop dwelling on things or that I will meditate everyday. I already know these are things I would like to improve. What I would really like, is to not care, or to not care as much.
Maybe a good goal for me would be do one less thing a week, make less plans, keep less appointments, talk less, text less, spend less, eat less, make less promises, make fewer goals.
One thing Ive been working on is to be be more mindful. Instead of saying should, ill work on things I would like: I would like to be more mindful of the stupid expectations I put on myself. I will put less stupid expectations on myself.
The goal being, that there are no "good" or "bad" things, only my reaction to them. If I am mindful, I am aware of my reactions, and then it would seem, there is no reason to be upset, but to just accept what is.
So, I will be mindful and not judge good or bad. I will accept. I will laugh when certain expectations are not met.
...Or I will be less angry/irritated/annoyed when certain expectations are not met.
... I will be aware that certain expectations are not met.
... or I will just be mindful. ugh
I think its a way to set yourself up for failure. Everyone has such good intentions and expectations of what they will accomplish in the "new year". But what about the things you're already working on, or things that require putting NO pressure on yourself? like, "I'm going to work on a really nice tan" or "I'm going to drink an extra glass of water when I remember" or "I'm gong to read more funny things on the Internet".
What are these major life changing resolutions all about? Do you want to quit smoking? or are you just saying it so you have something to say when someone asks you "whats your new years resolution?" If you don't want to quit smoking, then don't say you will, and then make up a thousand excuses for why you're still smoking in March. Do you want to genuinely feel good about yourself and learn to eat right and take care of your body? or do you want to just lose 20lbs so you can wear a bikini for spring break?
I think being specific about what you want, and then working on a plan to get there slowly would be more ideal then just setting these ridiculously far fetched goals for ourselves.
I've been seeing a counsellor for my anxiety for months. Today we talked about expectations that we have of ourselves; the way we would like others to see us.
I realise that I have quite high expectations of myself. I don't focus on the 50 wonderful little things that I accomplish in a week, but the one small bad thing, that I will cling to and let ruin everything else. I don't focus on all the places I've been, or the experiences that I've had that, I focus on why I'm not ahead, or where I thought I would be and what I should be doing.
New years resolutions feels like the universe is waiting for me to declare how positive I'm going to be this year, or how I'm going to lose the 20lbs I gained over the past year or that I will stop dwelling on things or that I will meditate everyday. I already know these are things I would like to improve. What I would really like, is to not care, or to not care as much.
Maybe a good goal for me would be do one less thing a week, make less plans, keep less appointments, talk less, text less, spend less, eat less, make less promises, make fewer goals.
One thing Ive been working on is to be be more mindful. Instead of saying should, ill work on things I would like: I would like to be more mindful of the stupid expectations I put on myself. I will put less stupid expectations on myself.
The goal being, that there are no "good" or "bad" things, only my reaction to them. If I am mindful, I am aware of my reactions, and then it would seem, there is no reason to be upset, but to just accept what is.
So, I will be mindful and not judge good or bad. I will accept. I will laugh when certain expectations are not met.
...Or I will be less angry/irritated/annoyed when certain expectations are not met.
... I will be aware that certain expectations are not met.
... or I will just be mindful. ugh
Sunday
Day 15
Day 15Dealing with anxiety is very up and down. The past couple of weeks has been rough. packing up your belongings and moving in general can be taxing, but then add the emotional distress of seeing people you care about suffering, and then add on a couple of plane crashes that affect everyone in your community, and yea, it makes for more anxiety then the average week.
what helps? not a whole lot when its really bad, but that why I have pills to help me in emergencies. But before i resort to that, its distraction. in any form. Breathing and counting, writing about why i feel angry/ sad/ annoyed/ happy/ fill in the adjective about something else in my life. Having a project. me and Eric have recently purchased a wine making kit. it's fun having a hobby and a goal. Listening to music that fits my mood. I don't believe in making yourself listening to happy music if your not happy. It actually just irritates me more. being in a pensive mood like I am right now, I'm enjoying Arcade Fire, with a glass of wine. Cleaning. I find cleaning is a good outlet for all that anxious energy just swirling through my body.
Today I decided to try the tactic of changing my personal appearance to a) distract me and b) make me feel better about myself.
so I dyed my hair (re-dyed) bright red. and when i get bored of this, I will dye my hair Blue Black. just for fun. just for distraction.
Saturday
Days 1-14
Day 14Of course I adopted it! It was in a little rougher shape than anticipated by the time it arrived at our house in the back of a pickup truck...and we had to saw about 4 feet off. We have re-rooted the chopped off bits in to new pots and now our living room looks like a jungle. and you might notice the lampshade at the top of the far branch. This was a souvenir from Eric's adventure down to Vancouver this summer. He bought it for a $1 at a yard sale and wore it as a hat. he makes me proud. anyways, Lampshade needed a home. lampshade meet adopted tree.
Day 13This is an 11 foot umbrella tree that lives at the Arts and Crafts guild where I teach jewelry classes. Apparently it was no longer wanted at the space, and was looking for a new home. If you know my past about collecting stray creatures, then this called my name immediately. It would be mine. The problem? the tree is at least 11 feet tall, and our ceilings are only 8 at most.... hmmm what to do?
Day 12Listening to Feist, drinking wine, having a bath. Isn't only fitting that I have "Spa time" and apply gooey cream mask to my face and cucumbers on my eyes? except I'm way to impatient, and the cucumbers were too cold on my eyes. I washed it off after i got bored of scrolling through Facebook on my iPhone. sad.
Day 11I like naps. I don't like being awoken from them.
Day 10My sister Jenn, lovingly referred to as Aunt Kook, decided Kuro should have his own costume. As if they make hoodies this small, but sure enough, he got his very own gangsta style hoodie. I think it was actually meant for a teddy bear, but it fits him. He's 4lbs. and has a severe Napoleon Complex.
Day 9The Monster show Down: Eric has this awesome costume that he bought from Etsy. Its the little boys costume from Where the Wild Things Are. My sister was over for dinner and we decided to try out some costumes. When I put this one on however, Kuro, my Yorkie, flipped out. He barked and bared his teeth at me while I pranced around with my own tail. Finally it came to the Show-Down. We stared at each other. He Growled. I hissed. He barked. I showed my claws. he sneezed and walked away. Vanessa 1, Kuro 0.
Day 8Happy Thanksgiving! nothing like sharing good food and wine with great friends
Day 7This was not a great day. I had just come home from a memorial service for a pilot that was killed in a crash outside of Yellowknife. He was an acquaintance and colleague. I know his mom, she was one of the first people i ever met in the Yellowknife. This was also the 4th plane crash in the North in just 6 weeks. It has hit all the northern communities hard. Working in the aviation industry doesn't make it any easier. Its all we heard. I had nightmares. Going to Matthew's service, helped let go of alot of pent up emotions that had been building up. I spent the day watching episodes of Breaking Bad, drinking wine and knitting until i fell asleep. It;s been hard, but the community is slowly going back to its old self, only a little more weary....
Day 6This was a Friday. I was happy because the next day was Saturday which meant I get to sleep in.
Plus I bought these RAD cat ears in Edmonton at Rowena's on Whyte Ave, one of my favorite stores ever, ever ,ever. And you know what, wearing cat ears has a funny way of making people smile. They'll be complaining about something and then stop mid sentence, ..."Are you wearing CAT ears?" Yyyyyyup! is usually my response. and how can you not smile or laugh at that. I love my cat ears, and my hoodie that has animal ears. I just like attachable ears.
Day 5this is pretty much a typical day at work. I love where I work and what I do, so I don't know why I'm making this face. plus there is an unlimited supply of coffee through out the day. I was really having a hard time finding my groove with jobs when i got back to Canada, and working in the Aviation industry is not something i would have imagined myself doing but working with some awesome pilots and engineers is pretty rad.
Day 4My co worker, Melissa, has just taken mat leave to spend time with her tiny beautiful baby girl Paige. I got to hold her when she came to visit us at work. It was awkward, she seemed so fragile and breakable.... it scares me to have a baby, yet it fascinates me... this is still something I am undecided on at this point.
Day 3This is our new apartment. Mine and Eric's. it soooo nice to finally have our own space. there is an eclectic collection of both of our belongings gathered on our travels. Everyone who has come to visit so far says "wooo it's so cozy!" that makes me feel good. The last time I had my own place was when I was in Korea, in Gunpo 4 years ago. Since then its been been a series of renting rooms from people or staying with family. I finally feel like this is my home. Our home. There will definitely be more pictures of the full apartment.
Day 2Eric's Mom was visiting, she sells skin products. I tried them, and they made my wrinkles go away. it made me happy. But I also dig the idea of taking a picture of myself feeling naked and private. very few people see me like this, its quite liberating.
Day 1I bought a new Halloween wig. I didn't really do a whole lot for Halloween last year, an I really wanted to be a dead rag doll or the Corpse Bride- something Tim Burtonish. SO this year i am going to make an effort to go to at least social gathering dressed up. even if its simply sitting at my desk at work dressed up dam it. its happening.
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