January 2012

I dislike new years resolutions.
I think its a way to set yourself up for failure. Everyone has such good intentions and expectations of what they will accomplish in the "new year". But what about the things you're already working on, or things that require putting NO pressure on yourself? like, "I'm going to work on a really nice tan" or "I'm going to drink an extra glass of water when I remember" or "I'm gong to read more funny things on the Internet".

What are these major life changing resolutions all about? Do you want to quit smoking? or are you just saying it so you have something to say when someone asks you "whats your new years resolution?" If you don't want to quit smoking, then don't say you will, and then make up a thousand excuses for why you're still smoking in March. Do you want to genuinely feel good about yourself and learn to eat right and take care of your body? or do you want to just lose 20lbs so you can wear a bikini for spring break?

I think being specific about what you want, and then working on a plan to get there slowly would be more ideal then just setting these ridiculously far fetched goals for ourselves.

I've been seeing a counsellor for my anxiety for months. Today we talked about expectations that we have of ourselves; the way we would like others to see us.
I realise that I have quite high expectations of myself. I don't focus on the 50 wonderful little things that I accomplish in a week, but the one small bad thing, that I will cling to and let ruin everything else. I don't focus on all the places I've been, or the experiences that I've had that, I focus on why I'm not ahead, or where I thought I would be and what I should be doing.

New years resolutions feels like the universe is waiting for me to declare how positive I'm going to be this year, or how I'm going to lose the 20lbs I gained over the past year or that I will stop dwelling on things or that I will meditate everyday. I already know these are things I would like to improve. What I would really like, is to not care, or to not care as much.

Maybe a good goal for me would be do one less thing a week, make less plans, keep less appointments, talk less, text less, spend less, eat less, make less promises, make fewer goals.

One thing Ive been working on is to be be more mindful. Instead of saying should, ill work on things I would like: I would like to be more mindful of the stupid expectations I put on myself. I will put less stupid expectations on myself.
The goal being, that there are no "good" or "bad" things, only my reaction to them. If I am mindful, I am aware of my reactions, and then it would seem, there is no reason to be upset, but to just accept what is.

So, I will be mindful and not judge good or bad. I will accept. I will laugh when certain expectations are not met.
...Or I will be less angry/irritated/annoyed when certain expectations are not met.
... I will be aware that certain expectations are not met.
... or I will just be mindful. ugh