Today is a 6.

I usually rate my days with with any kind of anxiety on a scale from 1-10. 1 being a pretty good day, 10 is breathing into a paper bag. Today is a 6.

I've had pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks since I was about 17.

It came on at the end of my second year of high school after my parents separated. I started having these feelings of overwhelming guilt every time started dating someone, and then realised they weren't right for me. the guilt lead to anxiety, the anxiety lead to full on panic attacks.

But being 17, I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was nuts. So i usually kept things to myself.

I dealt with it pretty good, until I was about 25. Then the attacks got so bad, I couldn't hide it anymore. i thought I was going insane.
everyday, EVERYDAY was a 10.

I was dating this super nice guy, who treated me so well. But I just knew that it wouldn't last after the first couple of months.
I'm a doer. a traveller. independent and self reliant. But for some reason, I attract guys who have the exact opposite traits. Guys who want to settle down, where their roots are, and want me to stop being "so damn independent all the time" was how it was put to me by one ex.

And me, wanting to make things work, I tried. I tried to settle. I tried to make roots. and I tried to put aside my own needs to make these relationships work, thinking I was being selfish for wanting to travel and have adventures, and do things differently, or my way. I guess I just wasn't ready to settle down! maybe I'm still not...

So that summer, I finally caved and started seeing a therapist. I started to take meds to calm me down, and for the first time in years, I felt normal. I felt so much relief that I cried for 2 days straight.

I realised that I was trying so hard to make these relationships work so I wouldn't be like my parents. all these years, I was trying to find and fit into what I imagined a perfect relationship to be.
I was in love with the idea of being in love. So much, that I overlooked all the signs that told me I wasn't really happy.

Now, 4 years later I'm mostly OK with my anxiety and who I am in relationships. I see the signs that tell me I'm not happy, and usually listen to them and do something about it. Maybe I still have some fears of being tied down, but I recognize that and do the best I can with it.

My current relationship of over one year is now in the midst of it's end. I am sad. I am relieved. I am hurt. I am confused.
I. am. exhausted.

I waited patiently for 5 months for my sick dog Peanut to finally let go.
and around the same time, I also waited patiently for the boy to get his act together, stop being so insecure, and to stop pressuring me about getting married. I waited because I know everyone has down times, but you also start to figure out when things are a phase and when things will never change.
Both things have come to an end. And I feel all the sadness and pain and relief that comes with saying good-bye to things you knew were coming to an end long before they ended.

So, today isn't a 10, and that's something.
Today is a 6. and that's not so bad considering where I've come from.