Reading back one of my recent posts, on something that i had realised about myself over the summer, I realised that I had also learnt someting else, something much more positive, that is much more heartwarming than my previous post. I initially felt that i had discovered a pattern of me being cold hearted, uncaring, and basically unfit for relationships.
Today I found a journal entry that I had forgotten about, after a long and deep phone call from a close friend. this is what I re-found. It made feel much better.
"Talking to J last night helped me realize something. I thought I had grown cold hearted and essentially detached from love. I thought the reason I felt nothing after ending things in most relationships was because I had grown not to care anymore. But what is far more likely and much healthier is that I'm strong and mature enough to know what I want and don't want, and I'm also confident enough in my decision when ending things, that there is no doubt or guilt anymore. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be with the people I was in relationships with, always running. But I'm NOT running. I'm walking away.
walking away, from the things i dont need and know arent going to fulfill me.
I admit I do sometimes jump into things, but then that is also potentially the fastest and best wayto find out if they are for you. Is it not? "
So this was my new epiphany, which I like much more. I'm still working out the details on the whole rushing into things, but I've recently met someone that I'm taking things very slow with. It's good. It's healthy. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. and I'm happy with that.
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