Where I lay my Head

In the past 11 months, I've had 5 different bedrooms, in 4 different place across Canada.

In the past 13 years, I've had 21 different bedrooms, including the 5 in the past year. For someone who's not a big fan of packing and unpacking, I sure do it alot.

But like the lyrics to a song I once heard, "free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been", that's exactly what I do. I've made every place I've been in, whether it's a month or 2 years, a little piece of me. My own little sanctuary to go to at the end the of the day.

I've been lucky enough over the years to have found some really great places. Some were temporary, in the homes of friends or family. Some were housing through companies I worked for. Some were dives.

The house that I'm renting now is owned by Parks Canada, and up until 2 weeks ago, I had roomates. But with fall getting closer, most of the students working in the park for the summer have been packing up and leaving. So now I have a 3 bedroom furnished house all to myself. Yay!

Before that I stayed with grandparents for a few weeks, here in Rocky Hr. Before that I was housesitting for 2 months in St. John's for a friend who works offshore. Before that I stayed at my parents house, in Gander, NL, in a room that I used as a teenager.

I stayed with my parents for 6 months, which doesnt sound like a long time, but for anyone who has lived on their own for 13+ years, and then moved back in with the folks, you know how potentially frustrating this can be, no matter how much you love them...

Before that I stayed with my sister in Kamloops, BC for a little over a month. and before that I was in Jeju, Gunpo, Seoul, (all Korea) Yellowknife NorthWest Territories, Changwon Korea, and also Halifax, Dartmouth, Coldbrook and Wolfville all in Nova Scotia.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness...

Today I feel mean.
Im moody and grumpy and irritable.
My sister had been visiting from up north, and my parents came out for my birthday, an now they're all gone home. and they took my dog too.
So I've decided that I dont like today.
My internet is sketchy so I cant post on here as often as I like.
I havent been able to make any jewellery all summer, and then I see other people doing productive things, it makes me happy for them, but I'm secretly jealous.
I feel alone and unproductive.
I just got my first bill for my iphone which is quite a bit more than i was expecting. someone please remind me that it's worth it...
Someone tried to fight my friend last night for being gay. What century are we in?? It makes me tense up with anger just thinking about it. I feel embaressed that I come from a place that still judges people on such triavial things
I'm starting to get very nervous about the fall and where I will be, or if I'll have a job.
I feel anxious and jittery.
All I seem to be able to do today is stare off into space or at whatever object is in front of me.
I want to pull down the blinds and listen to lyrics of despair and helplessness.
I dont want to talk to anyone.
I feel weighed down and insecure.
I dont like today.

Interview with Moments of Perfect Clarity

Julie from Moments of Perfect Clarity interviewed a number of her readers, I was lucky enough to be one of the interviewees! yay! Thanks Julie twas fun!
"http://julochka.blogspot.com/2010/08/interview-with-gypsy-feet.html"

Skeletons in my Closet

I've never pictured myself as a cop.

I never pictured myself as alot of things really, but a law-enforcing authority figure was at the top of the list. But since I've had to make some major adjustments in lifestyle, it was also time for a career change.
This past spring, I applied for several jobs, and realised (to my amazement) I was drawn to mostly law enforcement positions- Forces, Coast Guard, DFO officer, Park Warden etc. I wrote the entrance exam for RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and passed. (again, to my amazement)

Now I've been selected to continue to the next level of the application process: A very physically demanding obstacle course to complete in 4 and a half minutes, a psychological interview, and finally, the polygraph test.

I am nervous.

While living overseas, I pretty much stayed clear from anything that would get me thrown into SE Asian jail. But my past,.... well that's a different story.

The applicant questionnaire of 95 questions, glares up at me, asking me things like:

"Have you ever used or experimented with any illegal drugs?" check.

"Have you ever stolen anything?" Ever? Ummm, YES.

"what is the worst thing anyone is going to say you have done to them?"
Oh my God. really??

"Do you know of any reason why you should not be hired as a police officer?" .........

If I were christian I would feel like I was being judged to be let through the pearly gates.
There are some points while filling in the answers that I actually ask myself whether or not I should seriously continue, or if I'm just wasting my time. But everyone has skeletons in their closets right? everyone has done things they are not proud of.... or could have possibly been arrested for in at least one country?

Now, I'm probably over thinking things like I normally do, because I'm sure, compared to some people, I might look like a saint. and it was a long time ago. and I've been told that they look at what you have to offer overall, not just focusing on the bad things.....
Some people suggested I lie. the worst liar I know, and 2) it's a polygraph. designed to tell if your LYING.

So, I've decided to go with brutal honesty. So honest, they will probably wondered why I volunteered some of the information. Not leaving a single detail out of the things I've done.
This may or may not get me the desired outcome, but I'm thinking of it as cleaning out the closet.
not about to start going to confession, but I can see the lure of it. It feels good to spill it all.

How To Be Alone, a poem by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were you were not okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find its fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books, your not suppose to talk much anyway so its safe there.
There is also the gym, if your shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in. There’s public transportation, we all gotta go places. And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on avoid being principles. The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouse work across town, and they, like you, will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out to dinner to a restaurant with linen and silver wear. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst fleeting community. And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you.
Dance like no ones watching because they are probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely move to beats, after-all, is gorgeous and affecting. Dance till you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile no one is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swaffed by groups and mobs and hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cause if you’re happy in your head, and solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.,

Its okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, lifes magic things, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, that community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it, if you have an art that needs practice stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it. You could, be in an instant surrounded if you need it, if your heart is bleeding, make the best of it, there is heat and freezing be a testament.

What I've recently learned about myself

There is a pattern. I see it very clearly at times, and at other times it is foggy and difficult to spot.

I seem to jump to quickly into things. I seem to not want to take helpful advice from close friends and family, even though I know they are right. I seem to want to believe that something is what it isn't. I seem to be wrong about relationships a lot.

I guess I'm seeing clearly for now, but it may not last. So I'm going to take advantage of this opportunity to remind myself of the things I've learned next time the situation is uncertain.

There are good things and bad things to these truths I have uncovered; good that I have caught on to the pattern and therefor can choose to do something about it. Bad, that each time I repeat the cycle, I care less and less.

The series of events goes something like this: I'm happily single for a while, content to just travel and make my jewellery, hang with my dog etc., and suddenly meet someone who I know in some ways is not always a good match for me. I go along with it anyways, curious to see how it may turn out. Before I know it, I smack in the middle of a "serious" relationship. How did I get there? How did I wind up making future plans and sharing "i love you's" with someone I wasn't even sure about from the beginning? Well, I think I have an answer. I get caught up in wanting to believe that what I have is something way more fantastic that what it actually is. I want it be how it is my head. But, alas, it seems that the reality is never as satisfying as the fantasy.It seems that my fatal flaw is being in love with the 'Idea' of being in love, that gets me into hot water.

Once I realize this, it's time to leave. At one time, skipping the country was a favorite escape of mine, but as time wears on, I have less energy, and less motivation to even give an excuse as to why I'm leaving.
Once I'm single again, the cycle will eventually repeat itself within 6 months. Each time, I become less and less emotionally attached. I think what bothers me the most is not caring, not having an emotional reaction at all when saying bye to someone I cared about. The problem may be me not taking enough time to consider how things will turn out, or already knowing how things will turn out, but not caring at the moment.

For these things I have no cure. I don't know what the answer would be; "look before you leap"? "Patience is a virtue"? How do I not let what's in my head cloud what's in front of me?
For now, I have simply admitted to "having a problem" and isn't that the first step to recovery? .... wait, I'm pretty sure that's what they say to alcoholics... meh.