Lights

these are some of first attempts at shooting the Northern lights. On this night, it looked like a green vortex above the lake. it was quite amazing. I still need a tripod and some more practice, but I'm loving getting back into photography.

And I'm on my way to believing....

"When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing"

The Only exception- Paramore

Transitions

What happens when all this good stuff comes flooding into your life all at once? well, that means theres very little room left for the bad stuff. How do you start letting go of it all? that's kind of where I am right now. There's certain things I need to say goodbye to and walk away from, but its hard to where to start and how to go about it.
I feel like for the past year my life has just been one giant transition. Always changing, growing moving. It's been good, a challenge at times, but a much needed turn of events that has lead me to where I needed to be.
Sometimes its about taking a leap of faith, sometimes its about careful planning and strategy. Sometimes it's a bit of both and sometimes its all about in-action.
I havent decided what the best course of action yet in this situation. theres still alot of fear that im holding onto that things wont turn out.
Fear that things are going to good, so something has to go wrong. where do these ridiculous beliefs come from? Who decided that when you've reached a certain amount of good or happiness, that you have to be cut off, like a drunk at the bar? or that there has to be some kind of balance of shitiness?
Well I'm choosing to believe that things are as good as you want them to be ALL the time. I'm choosing to be happy and believe that good things are right in front of us, just sitting there waiting for us to aknowledge and choose them.

Shedding

So, a quick update: I have moved once again, and now residing in Yellowknife, NWT in northern Canada. For how long I do not know... but I'm here now.

I lived here about 5 years ago and left behind my snake, a ball python named Soba. I think I like snakes so much because they are able to shed their skins and start fresh.

With Soba in mind, I too have decided to shed my "old skin" and start fresh. I'm letting go of pre-conceptions I have about myself as well as all the extra "padding" I've gained in the past year.

I was never a "jogger". When I started about 6 months ago, I could jog one minute, walk one minute, with a learn to run program. By the end of that 20 minute session I was ready to die. I can now run for 28 minutes without stopping.

I always wondered what the lure of running was, but since I've started, I realise that its kind of like a drug; a high. I feel so clear headed and focused after I run which has opened my eyes to so many things I wasnt happy with in my life.

Since September, I've lost about 10 lbs, and about 12 inches off my body. The shedding process has started. I've also begun weening off the anti-anxiety meds that once empowered me, but now just make me feel like a victim of my own circumstances. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel like my arms are wide open, accepting gratefully everything the universe is bringing to me.

I remember how unhappy I was when I was here the first time. I feel like a different person. I feel like I've never been here before, it's a new city, with brand new opportunities, and here I am, once again, but as a new me. A lighter, more pure version of my former self.

What I recently re-learnt about myself.

Reading back one of my recent posts, on something that i had realised about myself over the summer, I realised that I had also learnt someting else, something much more positive, that is much more heartwarming than my previous post. I initially felt that i had discovered a pattern of me being cold hearted, uncaring, and basically unfit for relationships.
Today I found a journal entry that I had forgotten about, after a long and deep phone call from a close friend. this is what I re-found. It made feel much better.

"Talking to J last night helped me realize something. I thought I had grown cold hearted and essentially detached from love. I thought the reason I felt nothing after ending things in most relationships was because I had grown not to care anymore. But what is far more likely and much healthier is that I'm strong and mature enough to know what I want and don't want, and I'm also confident enough in my decision when ending things, that there is no doubt or guilt anymore. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be with the people I was in relationships with, always running. But I'm NOT running. I'm walking away.
walking away, from the things i dont need and know arent going to fulfill me.
I admit I do sometimes jump into things, but then that is also potentially the fastest and best wayto find out if they are for you. Is it not? "

So this was my new epiphany, which I like much more. I'm still working out the details on the whole rushing into things, but I've recently met someone that I'm taking things very slow with. It's good. It's healthy. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. and I'm happy with that.

Madame Butterfly

My name, Vanessa, means Butterfly.

I've known this for a while, but I recently discovered that Vanessa Cardui, Vanessa Virginensis are actually the Latin names for the American Painted Lady or the Painted Lady butterfly.

I love it. It fits so well for s0 many reasons. I am currently working on my 13th tattoo, so I am indeed a 'painted lady'.

I've also always had a strange fascination with butterflies. I can remember when i was a little girl, whenever I was sad or worried about something, a butterfly would appear, and kinda hang out with me or walk with me, and it would always make me feel better.

This still happens today. I always see butterflies when I feel down, or when i need some sort of reassurance or guidance. they've kind of been like my little guardian angles.

I recently visited the insectarium in Deer Lake, where they have a live butterfly pavilion. There were butterflies form all over the world, and in all stages of metamorphosis, some just crawling out of their cocoons. It was really neat.

Afterwards, I got talking to the owner of the Isectarium, who informed me of the origin of my name, the painted lady. Mr. Lloyd Hollett, the owner and founder of the Deer Lake Newfoundland Insectarium is also, coincidental, the author of a book about butterflies, called Butterfly Messengers. the book tells different stories of time when butterflies have given guidance, or appeared to people during difficult times.

I love it, but I also feel like this is so cheesy, like it was something that i would normally keep to myself. but I guess it's kind of neat, that's there's lots of people who are moved by the appearance of butterflies...

Where I lay my Head

In the past 11 months, I've had 5 different bedrooms, in 4 different place across Canada.

In the past 13 years, I've had 21 different bedrooms, including the 5 in the past year. For someone who's not a big fan of packing and unpacking, I sure do it alot.

But like the lyrics to a song I once heard, "free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been", that's exactly what I do. I've made every place I've been in, whether it's a month or 2 years, a little piece of me. My own little sanctuary to go to at the end the of the day.

I've been lucky enough over the years to have found some really great places. Some were temporary, in the homes of friends or family. Some were housing through companies I worked for. Some were dives.

The house that I'm renting now is owned by Parks Canada, and up until 2 weeks ago, I had roomates. But with fall getting closer, most of the students working in the park for the summer have been packing up and leaving. So now I have a 3 bedroom furnished house all to myself. Yay!

Before that I stayed with grandparents for a few weeks, here in Rocky Hr. Before that I was housesitting for 2 months in St. John's for a friend who works offshore. Before that I stayed at my parents house, in Gander, NL, in a room that I used as a teenager.

I stayed with my parents for 6 months, which doesnt sound like a long time, but for anyone who has lived on their own for 13+ years, and then moved back in with the folks, you know how potentially frustrating this can be, no matter how much you love them...

Before that I stayed with my sister in Kamloops, BC for a little over a month. and before that I was in Jeju, Gunpo, Seoul, (all Korea) Yellowknife NorthWest Territories, Changwon Korea, and also Halifax, Dartmouth, Coldbrook and Wolfville all in Nova Scotia.