Day 15

Day 15
Dealing with anxiety is very up and down. The past couple of weeks has been rough. packing up your belongings and moving in general can be taxing, but then add the emotional distress of seeing people you care about suffering, and then add on a couple of plane crashes that affect everyone in your community, and yea, it makes for more anxiety then the average week.

what helps? not a whole lot when its really bad, but that why I have pills to help me in emergencies. But before i resort to that, its distraction. in any form. Breathing and counting, writing about why i feel angry/ sad/ annoyed/ happy/ fill in the adjective about something else in my life. Having a project. me and Eric have recently purchased a wine making kit. it's fun having a hobby and a goal. Listening to music that fits my mood. I don't believe in making yourself listening to happy music if your not happy. It actually just irritates me more. being in a pensive mood like I am right now, I'm enjoying Arcade Fire, with a glass of wine. Cleaning. I find cleaning is a good outlet for all that anxious energy just swirling through my body.

Today I decided to try the tactic of changing my personal appearance to a) distract me and b) make me feel better about myself.
so I dyed my hair (re-dyed) bright red. and when i get bored of this, I will dye my hair Blue Black. just for fun. just for distraction.

Days 1-14

Day 14
Of course I adopted it! It was in a little rougher shape than anticipated by the time it arrived at our house in the back of a pickup truck...and we had to saw about 4 feet off. We have re-rooted the chopped off bits in to new pots and now our living room looks like a jungle. and you might notice the lampshade at the top of the far branch. This was a souvenir from Eric's adventure down to Vancouver this summer. He bought it for a $1 at a yard sale and wore it as a hat. he makes me proud. anyways, Lampshade needed a home. lampshade meet adopted tree.


Day 13
This is an 11 foot umbrella tree that lives at the Arts and Crafts guild where I teach jewelry classes. Apparently it was no longer wanted at the space, and was looking for a new home. If you know my past about collecting stray creatures, then this called my name immediately. It would be mine. The problem? the tree is at least 11 feet tall, and our ceilings are only 8 at most.... hmmm what to do?


Day 12
Listening to Feist, drinking wine, having a bath. Isn't only fitting that I have "Spa time" and apply gooey cream mask to my face and cucumbers on my eyes? except I'm way to impatient, and the cucumbers were too cold on my eyes. I washed it off after i got bored of scrolling through Facebook on my iPhone. sad.


Day 11
I like naps. I don't like being awoken from them.


Day 10
My sister Jenn, lovingly referred to as Aunt Kook, decided Kuro should have his own costume. As if they make hoodies this small, but sure enough, he got his very own gangsta style hoodie. I think it was actually meant for a teddy bear, but it fits him. He's 4lbs. and has a severe Napoleon Complex.


Day 9
The Monster show Down: Eric has this awesome costume that he bought from Etsy. Its the little boys costume from Where the Wild Things Are. My sister was over for dinner and we decided to try out some costumes. When I put this one on however, Kuro, my Yorkie, flipped out. He barked and bared his teeth at me while I pranced around with my own tail. Finally it came to the Show-Down. We stared at each other. He Growled. I hissed. He barked. I showed my claws. he sneezed and walked away. Vanessa 1, Kuro 0.


Day 8
Happy Thanksgiving! nothing like sharing good food and wine with great friends


Day 7
This was not a great day. I had just come home from a memorial service for a pilot that was killed in a crash outside of Yellowknife. He was an acquaintance and colleague. I know his mom, she was one of the first people i ever met in the Yellowknife. This was also the 4th plane crash in the North in just 6 weeks. It has hit all the northern communities hard. Working in the aviation industry doesn't make it any easier. Its all we heard. I had nightmares. Going to Matthew's service, helped let go of alot of pent up emotions that had been building up. I spent the day watching episodes of Breaking Bad, drinking wine and knitting until i fell asleep. It;s been hard, but the community is slowly going back to its old self, only a little more weary....


Day 6
This was a Friday. I was happy because the next day was Saturday which meant I get to sleep in.
Plus I bought these RAD cat ears in Edmonton at Rowena's on Whyte Ave, one of my favorite stores ever, ever ,ever. And you know what, wearing cat ears has a funny way of making people smile. They'll be complaining about something and then stop mid sentence, ..."Are you wearing CAT ears?" Yyyyyyup! is usually my response. and how can you not smile or laugh at that. I love my cat ears, and my hoodie that has animal ears. I just like attachable ears.


Day 5
this is pretty much a typical day at work. I love where I work and what I do, so I don't know why I'm making this face. plus there is an unlimited supply of coffee through out the day. I was really having a hard time finding my groove with jobs when i got back to Canada, and working in the Aviation industry is not something i would have imagined myself doing but working with some awesome pilots and engineers is pretty rad.

Day 4
My co worker, Melissa, has just taken mat leave to spend time with her tiny beautiful baby girl Paige. I got to hold her when she came to visit us at work. It was awkward, she seemed so fragile and breakable.... it scares me to have a baby, yet it fascinates me... this is still something I am undecided on at this point.

Day 3
This is our new apartment. Mine and Eric's. it soooo nice to finally have our own space. there is an eclectic collection of both of our belongings gathered on our travels. Everyone who has come to visit so far says "wooo it's so cozy!" that makes me feel good. The last time I had my own place was when I was in Korea, in Gunpo 4 years ago. Since then its been been a series of renting rooms from people or staying with family. I finally feel like this is my home. Our home. There will definitely be more pictures of the full apartment.

Day 2
Eric's Mom was visiting, she sells skin products. I tried them, and they made my wrinkles go away. it made me happy. But I also dig the idea of taking a picture of myself feeling naked and private. very few people see me like this, its quite liberating.


Day 1
I bought a new Halloween wig. I didn't really do a whole lot for Halloween last year, an I really wanted to be a dead rag doll or the Corpse Bride- something Tim Burtonish. SO this year i am going to make an effort to go to at least social gathering dressed up. even if its simply sitting at my desk at work dressed up dam it. its happening.

365 Project

Ive been trying to come up with a project to work on for the winter here in the North. Nevermind the fat that I just moved into our new apartment and still unpacking boxes and probably will be for the next month. Or that I have taken on a knitting project for my sisters baby due in December, that is so far a little over my head.
No, I needed something more to add to my plate. So I thought doing a 365 project would be fun.
I've been finding hard to get motivated to update my blog on a regular basis. I sometimes feel like nothing exciting is happening in my life, but then I ask myself, why the hell am I always so busy?
I'm not really. that's just it. there's LOTS of stuff going on, but there always seems time for a nice long nap after work, or to finish off a bottle of wine in the middle of the week...
So instead of making myself come up with things to write, I think I will stick to posting a picture of my life everyday for a year. I find it much easier to communicate with picture or drawings or wild gestures, so maybe this will help me express my thoughts easier!
I have Days 1-6 on my iPhone right now, i just have to get them on to this computer...

In the meantime here is picture of a bed I Like. We do have brand new Queen size, plush top bed, but still in the market for a bed frame.

LOve.

Dress (clipped to polyvore.com)

This is what I will marry Eric in. or something like it. In the desert.

North of '60

So, as previously mentioned, I have relocated to Yellowknife. A town about 400km south of the Arctic circle, pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It is mostly surrounded by lakes, frozen tundra, and diamond mines. But for all intents and purposes, it is still a city where people live.

I lived here for a short time in 2005, from January to July. Long enough to experience the harsh dark winter, and to still catch a glimpse of the never setting sun of the summers here. I left that time to return to Korea, with a very sour taste in my mouth for Yellowknife. needless to say, I was reluctant to return to the North again.

But seeing how I was once again unemployed after my term with Parks Canada, I decided to come stay with my sister and her husband and look for work. It worked out well, as I fell back on my jewelry background and started working as a designer in a retail shop, and then teaching jewellery courses through the local craft guild, and then also as a substitute teacher for the public schools here in town. I feel like Im making roots. I'm finding my niche or my groove or however you want to put it.

I was recently offered my old position back with Parks Canada and I turned it down, not because I don't LOVE living in working in the national park, and having a house all to myself, with my hammock, living on the ocean.... sigh. No, I turned it down because I've decided I need to stay in one place for more than 6 months at a time in order to build any kind of momentum and connection to a place. It's painful at times, rebuilding a life.

but I guess like anything, you just require patience and have faith that the universe is working its magic in its own way. right? I dont know. Im just essentially going day to day trying to adjust to a "normal life" in Canada. i have mixed feelings about it right now. Ill get back to you.

Lights

these are some of first attempts at shooting the Northern lights. On this night, it looked like a green vortex above the lake. it was quite amazing. I still need a tripod and some more practice, but I'm loving getting back into photography.

And I'm on my way to believing....

"When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing"

The Only exception- Paramore

Transitions

What happens when all this good stuff comes flooding into your life all at once? well, that means theres very little room left for the bad stuff. How do you start letting go of it all? that's kind of where I am right now. There's certain things I need to say goodbye to and walk away from, but its hard to where to start and how to go about it.
I feel like for the past year my life has just been one giant transition. Always changing, growing moving. It's been good, a challenge at times, but a much needed turn of events that has lead me to where I needed to be.
Sometimes its about taking a leap of faith, sometimes its about careful planning and strategy. Sometimes it's a bit of both and sometimes its all about in-action.
I havent decided what the best course of action yet in this situation. theres still alot of fear that im holding onto that things wont turn out.
Fear that things are going to good, so something has to go wrong. where do these ridiculous beliefs come from? Who decided that when you've reached a certain amount of good or happiness, that you have to be cut off, like a drunk at the bar? or that there has to be some kind of balance of shitiness?
Well I'm choosing to believe that things are as good as you want them to be ALL the time. I'm choosing to be happy and believe that good things are right in front of us, just sitting there waiting for us to aknowledge and choose them.

Shedding

So, a quick update: I have moved once again, and now residing in Yellowknife, NWT in northern Canada. For how long I do not know... but I'm here now.

I lived here about 5 years ago and left behind my snake, a ball python named Soba. I think I like snakes so much because they are able to shed their skins and start fresh.

With Soba in mind, I too have decided to shed my "old skin" and start fresh. I'm letting go of pre-conceptions I have about myself as well as all the extra "padding" I've gained in the past year.

I was never a "jogger". When I started about 6 months ago, I could jog one minute, walk one minute, with a learn to run program. By the end of that 20 minute session I was ready to die. I can now run for 28 minutes without stopping.

I always wondered what the lure of running was, but since I've started, I realise that its kind of like a drug; a high. I feel so clear headed and focused after I run which has opened my eyes to so many things I wasnt happy with in my life.

Since September, I've lost about 10 lbs, and about 12 inches off my body. The shedding process has started. I've also begun weening off the anti-anxiety meds that once empowered me, but now just make me feel like a victim of my own circumstances. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel like my arms are wide open, accepting gratefully everything the universe is bringing to me.

I remember how unhappy I was when I was here the first time. I feel like a different person. I feel like I've never been here before, it's a new city, with brand new opportunities, and here I am, once again, but as a new me. A lighter, more pure version of my former self.

What I recently re-learnt about myself.

Reading back one of my recent posts, on something that i had realised about myself over the summer, I realised that I had also learnt someting else, something much more positive, that is much more heartwarming than my previous post. I initially felt that i had discovered a pattern of me being cold hearted, uncaring, and basically unfit for relationships.
Today I found a journal entry that I had forgotten about, after a long and deep phone call from a close friend. this is what I re-found. It made feel much better.

"Talking to J last night helped me realize something. I thought I had grown cold hearted and essentially detached from love. I thought the reason I felt nothing after ending things in most relationships was because I had grown not to care anymore. But what is far more likely and much healthier is that I'm strong and mature enough to know what I want and don't want, and I'm also confident enough in my decision when ending things, that there is no doubt or guilt anymore. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be with the people I was in relationships with, always running. But I'm NOT running. I'm walking away.
walking away, from the things i dont need and know arent going to fulfill me.
I admit I do sometimes jump into things, but then that is also potentially the fastest and best wayto find out if they are for you. Is it not? "

So this was my new epiphany, which I like much more. I'm still working out the details on the whole rushing into things, but I've recently met someone that I'm taking things very slow with. It's good. It's healthy. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. and I'm happy with that.