Shedding

So, a quick update: I have moved once again, and now residing in Yellowknife, NWT in northern Canada. For how long I do not know... but I'm here now.

I lived here about 5 years ago and left behind my snake, a ball python named Soba. I think I like snakes so much because they are able to shed their skins and start fresh.

With Soba in mind, I too have decided to shed my "old skin" and start fresh. I'm letting go of pre-conceptions I have about myself as well as all the extra "padding" I've gained in the past year.

I was never a "jogger". When I started about 6 months ago, I could jog one minute, walk one minute, with a learn to run program. By the end of that 20 minute session I was ready to die. I can now run for 28 minutes without stopping.

I always wondered what the lure of running was, but since I've started, I realise that its kind of like a drug; a high. I feel so clear headed and focused after I run which has opened my eyes to so many things I wasnt happy with in my life.

Since September, I've lost about 10 lbs, and about 12 inches off my body. The shedding process has started. I've also begun weening off the anti-anxiety meds that once empowered me, but now just make me feel like a victim of my own circumstances. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel like my arms are wide open, accepting gratefully everything the universe is bringing to me.

I remember how unhappy I was when I was here the first time. I feel like a different person. I feel like I've never been here before, it's a new city, with brand new opportunities, and here I am, once again, but as a new me. A lighter, more pure version of my former self.

What I recently re-learnt about myself.

Reading back one of my recent posts, on something that i had realised about myself over the summer, I realised that I had also learnt someting else, something much more positive, that is much more heartwarming than my previous post. I initially felt that i had discovered a pattern of me being cold hearted, uncaring, and basically unfit for relationships.
Today I found a journal entry that I had forgotten about, after a long and deep phone call from a close friend. this is what I re-found. It made feel much better.

"Talking to J last night helped me realize something. I thought I had grown cold hearted and essentially detached from love. I thought the reason I felt nothing after ending things in most relationships was because I had grown not to care anymore. But what is far more likely and much healthier is that I'm strong and mature enough to know what I want and don't want, and I'm also confident enough in my decision when ending things, that there is no doubt or guilt anymore. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be with the people I was in relationships with, always running. But I'm NOT running. I'm walking away.
walking away, from the things i dont need and know arent going to fulfill me.
I admit I do sometimes jump into things, but then that is also potentially the fastest and best wayto find out if they are for you. Is it not? "

So this was my new epiphany, which I like much more. I'm still working out the details on the whole rushing into things, but I've recently met someone that I'm taking things very slow with. It's good. It's healthy. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. and I'm happy with that.

Madame Butterfly

My name, Vanessa, means Butterfly.

I've known this for a while, but I recently discovered that Vanessa Cardui, Vanessa Virginensis are actually the Latin names for the American Painted Lady or the Painted Lady butterfly.

I love it. It fits so well for s0 many reasons. I am currently working on my 13th tattoo, so I am indeed a 'painted lady'.

I've also always had a strange fascination with butterflies. I can remember when i was a little girl, whenever I was sad or worried about something, a butterfly would appear, and kinda hang out with me or walk with me, and it would always make me feel better.

This still happens today. I always see butterflies when I feel down, or when i need some sort of reassurance or guidance. they've kind of been like my little guardian angles.

I recently visited the insectarium in Deer Lake, where they have a live butterfly pavilion. There were butterflies form all over the world, and in all stages of metamorphosis, some just crawling out of their cocoons. It was really neat.

Afterwards, I got talking to the owner of the Isectarium, who informed me of the origin of my name, the painted lady. Mr. Lloyd Hollett, the owner and founder of the Deer Lake Newfoundland Insectarium is also, coincidental, the author of a book about butterflies, called Butterfly Messengers. the book tells different stories of time when butterflies have given guidance, or appeared to people during difficult times.

I love it, but I also feel like this is so cheesy, like it was something that i would normally keep to myself. but I guess it's kind of neat, that's there's lots of people who are moved by the appearance of butterflies...

Where I lay my Head

In the past 11 months, I've had 5 different bedrooms, in 4 different place across Canada.

In the past 13 years, I've had 21 different bedrooms, including the 5 in the past year. For someone who's not a big fan of packing and unpacking, I sure do it alot.

But like the lyrics to a song I once heard, "free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been", that's exactly what I do. I've made every place I've been in, whether it's a month or 2 years, a little piece of me. My own little sanctuary to go to at the end the of the day.

I've been lucky enough over the years to have found some really great places. Some were temporary, in the homes of friends or family. Some were housing through companies I worked for. Some were dives.

The house that I'm renting now is owned by Parks Canada, and up until 2 weeks ago, I had roomates. But with fall getting closer, most of the students working in the park for the summer have been packing up and leaving. So now I have a 3 bedroom furnished house all to myself. Yay!

Before that I stayed with grandparents for a few weeks, here in Rocky Hr. Before that I was housesitting for 2 months in St. John's for a friend who works offshore. Before that I stayed at my parents house, in Gander, NL, in a room that I used as a teenager.

I stayed with my parents for 6 months, which doesnt sound like a long time, but for anyone who has lived on their own for 13+ years, and then moved back in with the folks, you know how potentially frustrating this can be, no matter how much you love them...

Before that I stayed with my sister in Kamloops, BC for a little over a month. and before that I was in Jeju, Gunpo, Seoul, (all Korea) Yellowknife NorthWest Territories, Changwon Korea, and also Halifax, Dartmouth, Coldbrook and Wolfville all in Nova Scotia.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness...

Today I feel mean.
Im moody and grumpy and irritable.
My sister had been visiting from up north, and my parents came out for my birthday, an now they're all gone home. and they took my dog too.
So I've decided that I dont like today.
My internet is sketchy so I cant post on here as often as I like.
I havent been able to make any jewellery all summer, and then I see other people doing productive things, it makes me happy for them, but I'm secretly jealous.
I feel alone and unproductive.
I just got my first bill for my iphone which is quite a bit more than i was expecting. someone please remind me that it's worth it...
Someone tried to fight my friend last night for being gay. What century are we in?? It makes me tense up with anger just thinking about it. I feel embaressed that I come from a place that still judges people on such triavial things
I'm starting to get very nervous about the fall and where I will be, or if I'll have a job.
I feel anxious and jittery.
All I seem to be able to do today is stare off into space or at whatever object is in front of me.
I want to pull down the blinds and listen to lyrics of despair and helplessness.
I dont want to talk to anyone.
I feel weighed down and insecure.
I dont like today.

Interview with Moments of Perfect Clarity

Julie from Moments of Perfect Clarity interviewed a number of her readers, I was lucky enough to be one of the interviewees! yay! Thanks Julie twas fun!
"http://julochka.blogspot.com/2010/08/interview-with-gypsy-feet.html"

Skeletons in my Closet

I've never pictured myself as a cop.

I never pictured myself as alot of things really, but a law-enforcing authority figure was at the top of the list. But since I've had to make some major adjustments in lifestyle, it was also time for a career change.
This past spring, I applied for several jobs, and realised (to my amazement) I was drawn to mostly law enforcement positions- Forces, Coast Guard, DFO officer, Park Warden etc. I wrote the entrance exam for RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and passed. (again, to my amazement)

Now I've been selected to continue to the next level of the application process: A very physically demanding obstacle course to complete in 4 and a half minutes, a psychological interview, and finally, the polygraph test.

I am nervous.

While living overseas, I pretty much stayed clear from anything that would get me thrown into SE Asian jail. But my past,.... well that's a different story.

The applicant questionnaire of 95 questions, glares up at me, asking me things like:

"Have you ever used or experimented with any illegal drugs?" check.

"Have you ever stolen anything?" Ever? Ummm, YES.

"what is the worst thing anyone is going to say you have done to them?"
Oh my God. really??

"Do you know of any reason why you should not be hired as a police officer?" .........

If I were christian I would feel like I was being judged to be let through the pearly gates.
There are some points while filling in the answers that I actually ask myself whether or not I should seriously continue, or if I'm just wasting my time. But everyone has skeletons in their closets right? everyone has done things they are not proud of.... or could have possibly been arrested for in at least one country?

Now, I'm probably over thinking things like I normally do, because I'm sure, compared to some people, I might look like a saint. and it was a long time ago. and I've been told that they look at what you have to offer overall, not just focusing on the bad things.....
Some people suggested I lie. the worst liar I know, and 2) it's a polygraph. designed to tell if your LYING.

So, I've decided to go with brutal honesty. So honest, they will probably wondered why I volunteered some of the information. Not leaving a single detail out of the things I've done.
This may or may not get me the desired outcome, but I'm thinking of it as cleaning out the closet.
not about to start going to confession, but I can see the lure of it. It feels good to spill it all.