Saying Goodbye

Peanut (aka Mini Pearl) RIP September 1st 2000- May 7th 2009

It's hard to find the words to say want I need or want...
Peanut, my dog passed away 3 days ago. She was 9, but she had been with me for only 5 years. I found her abandoned at a subway station in Seoul, and brought her home. I saved her from a horrible possible life on the streets or worse, and she saved me from myself.

Her lack of presence gives me the emptiest feeling. A void so big created by such a small creature. The anxiety that comes with the realization that she is really gone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy- I'm sure I can hear her little feet walking across the floor, suddenly small white dogs seem to be everywhere.

In the end, I know it was her time to go. She let me know that she needed to say goodbye. She waited for me to come back from Japan, and for that I am grateful. I try to think about all the good things about our time together, the happiness she brought into my life, but all that comes into my head right now is her last few minutes- holding her, resting my head on her little body when her heart beat for the last time.

I know it's all like an open wound right now, and that as time passes the wound will heal. Part of of me is afraid to heal, to let go and move on because I dont want to forget her, or make her passing seem less important than it is. I feel almost guilt in my moments of happiness, and the only thing that makes it better is knowing that she's not in pain anymore. She can finally rest.

We buried her on a Thursday evening near a stream, under a jasmine tree. I go visit her everyday, light some incense and cnadles and sing her songs. I also thank her for the wonderful life she shared with me, and hope she felt happy and loved everyday.

I miss you Peanut, more than I can ever put into words.

xoxo